Who else loved Pogs? The designs, the action, the collectability … they had it all! We loved slamming our Slammers into a huge stack, and it was tons of fun to collect all the different kinds: Pokémon, Disney, NBA, Norman Schwarzkopf, Aum Shinrikyo … literally, all the hot fads of the ’90s, and perhaps ever, involved Pogs!
SLAMMING INTO A DARK TRUTH
But while we were researching “47,593 Pogs That ’90s Kids Will Definitely Remember,” we stumbled across some disturbing information. Information that will likely completely change the children’s game as you know it. These accusations are so upsetting, so radical, that we hesitate to even voice them. But in the face of the seemingly overwhelming evidence we’ve assembled, we feel that we have no choice but to speak out. What if, and please do try to bear with us here … what if the creators of Pogs, an iconic achievement of American culture, only wanted our money?
We know, we know, a Pog money scheme sounds crazy. The artistic purity of Pogs, repurposed for crass commercial appeal? But, if you can look beyond your fond memories, the signs are there. Extensive research has revealed that the game and its pieces were sold at a price well beyond that which was needed to recuperate the cost of their creation. This implies that sales had a primarily capitalist intent, and were not—as we long believed—merely intended to keep philanthropic manufacturing costs at sustainable levels (see our attached 47-page industrial analysis for details).
Furthermore, the World Pog Federation was apparently not a council of learned elders that oversaw tournament regulations, the philosophical foundation of Pogs, and official game lore. They were, in fact, a mere corporation! They didn’t even operate out of Pog Mountain as the commercials—or should we say propaganda?—claimed, but instead, a lowly Los Angeles office suite. Will the lies never end?
Where Do We Go From Here?
The unabashed mercenary drive behind the Pog money scheme has shaken our ’90s nostalgia to its core. Did prominent Pogs spokesman Dr. Steven “Slammer” Pogjammer not actually have a degree in Pogsology from Yale? Was Pogs: The Movie not, as director David Fincher claimed on press junkets, “the proudest moment of my career?” Did they stop making Pogs because sales slowed, and not because Gop the Pog God decreed that the era of Pogs must come to an end? Did none of it mean anything?
We know it’s tempting to reject this theory, but humanity will never grow if we hide from the truth. And our fond memories are still real. Not because of the shameless profiteering of Pogs, but in spite of it. Still, we understand that coming to terms with this harsh reality will take time. While you grapple with your emotions, take heart in the fact that at least Crazy Bones were clearly in it for the art.
Images: Wikimedia Commons, Pixabay, Pixabay