We tend to bury our heads in the sand when it comes to teen depravity, but when we caught our son Blaine trying out a new kink called “poop edging,” we had to speak up.
As you might already know, “edging” is the act of prolonging an orgasm to an unbearable degree to dramatically heighten the eventual release. Poop edging takes this concept and politely asks it to “use the backdoor,” so to speak. It entails holding in your excrement and waiting as long as possible before “opening the flood gates.” It’s pretty disgusting, but apparently, it feels good. And here are some ways to ensure your teen isn’t tempted by this dangerous new trend.
1. Monitor Their Diets
An easy way to spot a fledgling poop-edger is by keeping an eye on their food intake. Foods that naturally lend themselves to intense BMs—loaded nachos, spicy curries, anything under the heat lamp at a 7-Eleven—should be closely monitored at all times. If your teen seems to be consuming any of these items more often than usual, they may be trying to build a solid foundation for a future gastrointestinal thrill.
2. Check Their Laundry
If you suspect your child might be engaging in poop edging, be sure to check their underwear for signs of foul play. Poop edgers must often produce risky farts during their process to relieve some of the pressure, and sometimes, they miscalculate the severity of the poot. What’s left in their drawers can only be described as a li’l shotgun blast of booty residue, often called “fart mist” or “pre-leak” on the streets. Keep an eye out for this.
3. Other Vices
Chugging coffee, smoking cigarettes, and a little recreational prescription drug use is usually no cause for alarm in a sufficiently cool teen, but all of these things are also known to produce dynamite ass-bombs. If you start noticing these behaviors in conjunction with the above, it may be time to have a serious sit down with your teen about the dangerous of holding in their poop.
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