Today’s women have many reasons to feel a little uneasy. The world is burning up, no one is quite sure if the food we are eating is even food, and the new Moschino line for H&M is tragically underwhelming. When you add being a parent on top of that, it’s normal to feel anxious.
I have battled with anxiety my entire life, but since becoming a mother, things have gotten worse. Now, I am constantly worried about my children’s well-being and the big what-ifs. What if they get hurt, or kidnapped, or really into bands that cater to white people with dreadlocks?
All this anxiety and worrying was really affecting me as a woman as well as a mother, so I did what I needed to do for my own self-care. I redirected it into my children.
By pushing all my neurosis onto my children, I found I worried less. It benefits them as people, too, by keeping them safe and instilling good values. When done correctly, your child will be so wound-up that they will look both ways before they cross the street up to 30 times. That is plenty of times to make sure they won’t get hit by a bus. Personally, I’ve made my children incredibly anxious about accidentally wearing last-season Prada. Now, they don’t go around just putting on any sweater they find on a park bench. They check the label first.
Anyone can use this technique to curb their anxiety. You just have to badger your child with your unnecessary fears so frequently that they become the child’s fears. You simply transfer the anxiety onto them.
Make sure that your child is as cautious and unwilling to take risks as you are. You can’t have them trying a new kind of green juice. What if they won’t like it and they wasted $35? Or, worse, what if it makes them have a bowel movement a few minutes earlier than expected? They could be on a call!
When your child is as terrified as mine, they will become strong. Every moment will be heroic, because they will be terrified that death could come for them anytime. Their every breath will make them stronger, because they risk everything to do it.
As an added bonus, I’ve found that the more anxious my children felt, the more their stomachs hurt. This is wonderful because they stay delightfully thin and my grocery budget went way down. It can work in your favor in myriad ways. When my triplets want to get mouthy with me and go to the mall, I just tell them that terrorists love to blow people up when they are buying new shoes. Now my children are not only safe, they are too afraid to wear something off the rack, and I don’t have to deal with hordes of common shoppers. Because of me, my kids are terrified, thin, and very well-dressed.
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This was literally, the funniest thing I've ever read. In tears. #parentingwin