We’ve come a long way as a society as far as accepting that bodily perfection, ideally in terms of delicious food items you won’t be allowed to eat, is a requirement for personhood. In 2013, we first admitted that if you don’t have a thigh gap, you’re a garbage human. More recently, it was the Toblerone Tunnel—the triangle-shaped gap at the very top of your inner thighs—that was showing up all over my Insta. Now, there are seven more food-related body trends that are a must-have for you to be considered a worthwhile woman. If you don’t want to be a sexless troll, here’s your hot body checklist.
Marshmallow Tush
Gooey, buoyant, and just the right amount of bounce. Like a fresh Jet-Puffed marshmallow straight from the bag, this is what you want for them buns. So hit the gym to get s’more push on that tush!
Honey Jizz
It’s sticky, it’s sweet, it’s the perfect consistency and flavor for your lady jizz. Don’t be a prude. Give it a try. And if it doesn’t taste like honey, then none of the B’s will want it.
Reese’s Nips
Reese’s peanut butter cups come in all different sizes, just like nipples. Unfortunately, only one size is acceptable. A Reese’s mini is the ideal circumference and shape that you want your nipples to be. Grab two and do the Reese’s nips test. If your nipples are spilling out from behind the candy, you’ve got a problem.
Soup Shoulders
This one is easy to figure out. Can you pour a bowl of soup into the space created by your clavicle? Congratulations. You are thin enough to be sexually desirable. If you’re thinking “what space?” or are now covered in soup, you have some work to do. It’s time to strictly reduce those calories.
M&M Crack
It’s a fine line all women must walk between being down for anal but not some kind of butt slut. Can your crack hold tight onto a handful of M&Ms? I hope so. If the M&Ms spill out of you like you’re a fucking piñata, you probably look like a donkey.
Meatloaf Feet
You’re only allowed to wear sandals if your feet are the same width as a meatloaf pan. If you can’t jam those hooves into it, then your feet are way too wide, and quite frankly, probably disgusting to look at. Consult a Chinese person and ask them if they know how to bind feet, then beg for them to Mr. Miyagi you and show you their ways. If they slap you, that’s what you deserve for having such monstrous peds.
Cake Pop Pussy
Cake pops are delicious (so I hear), but the only place they belong is up your baby hole. Does it fit perfectly on its own? Your hole is perfect. If you are unable to insert a cake pop up there, keep working it until it fits. If you’re on the other end of the spectrum and the cake pop just falls to the floor, you need to start double-timing the Kegels, you dirty whore.
Good luck transforming into the perfect specimen, and so help me, God, if I see any of that food go into your mouth, prepare to be publicly shamed. Do you want to be part of the problem or part of the solution?