There’s a reason every Disney movie ends with a royal wedding — it’s every little girl’s dream to be a princess, by marriage if at all possible. (Otherwise, you’re probably the villain.) Well, who says playing princess has to end in childhood? Your therapist? What do they know? With just a quick trip to Target, you can have your very own royal wedding — and you’re going to have to, because as you’re all too distressingly aware, both princes are taken now. Here’s what you’ll need:
Obviously, none of the fuckboys you know will do. Fortunately, Funko Pop inexplicably exists, and they make figurines of the whole royal family. If you’re willing to exchange some shipping time for maximum authenticity, some even stranger people sell life-size cardboard cutouts, but we know from previous totally non-creepy experience that they’re usually attached to their wives and literally ripping them apart feels weird, but follow your heart.
Bunny Ears Exclusive Tip: Pick up a few English celebrities to be your guests while you’re at it. Dolls of them, that is. Legally, we can’t advise you to actually kidnap Posh Spice, but we’d also be super impressed if you did.
The royal wedding dress is traditionally lacy, poofy, and ugly. Let’s be honest, you could probably find that shit at Salvation Army. If you don’t want anyone to see you buying a wedding dress and start asking questions, then a tablecloth, some unbent wire hangers, and bunches of toilet paper should do the trick.
Your home may be no Westminster Abbey, but no one can stop you from making a miniature box-fort replica. No one. Not your therapist, not the police, not your increasingly worried family. They can take your legal ability to manage your own affairs, but they can never take your boxes.
Royal brides carry bouquets with sprigs of myrtle from Queen Victoria’s very own shrub. Since no one actually lives where myrtle grows, a sprig from your Aunt Myrtle’s head will have to do. Take it at the intervention while everyone else is distracted.
The royal wedding cake is traditionally a fruitcake, making it the only part of a royal wedding you actually have access to.
Royal weddings are traditionally held in the morning, followed by a “wedding breakfast,” so throw some Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwiches in the microwave and call it good. Not too many — remember, none of your guests are real. Very important to remember that.
The Queen’s Permission
You probably should have gotten this earlier, but the whole thing will be even more invalid if you don’t get it at all. Write a letter to Her Majesty outlining your intentions. If you don’t hear back from her, send another one — it might have gotten lost in the mail. Send as many as you need. Make it rain like it’s Sunday at the Dursleys’ up in there. It’s really important to get the Queen’s blessing or the whole illusion is shattered and who knows what you’ll do if that happens. In a pinch, or if you’re legally forbidden from sending the Queen anymore mail, scour YouTube for hours to find a video of the Queen saying “yes.” Pause at the appropriate time, ask your question, and press play. There, now you’re all set to have your royal wedding, and it’ll be several minutes before you have to face your real life again.