Tag Archives: Higher Pleasures

It happens to the best of us.

You’re welcome in advance!

Because this is apparently what you guys want? Really?

It’s gotta be good for something, right?

Pretty soon I stopped saying, “I’m sorry, why is this extra hot latte I asked for undrinkably hot? Are you trying to kill me via Starbucks?” and started saying, “Thank you for burning my tongue and ruining my day, you incompetent shit.”

These cute and cuddly teddy bears are a great way to accentuate your manly space.

FYI it’s gonna fuck you up!

Wow, it was so sweet of Bunny Ears to let me do this little round-up of all the things I’ve been obsessed with lately! Honestly, I’m totally and completely obsessed with so many things that it was hard to narrow it down to just these seven. From dry-brushing to white nail polish to solving my […]

The long wet reign of terror by 69 is out. It’s time for a new sex number, baby. Meet 82, the number that ones to get down and dirty with YOU!

Fake it until you make it! And by “it” I mean “identity theft”

Never read “Little Women”? Now you have time!

Dinnnerinnerinner dinnner . how do you spell that word. dinnnner

You can’t risk electing a judge you can’t bribe

It’s a thing, apparently?

You’ve worked hard all week, and quite frankly, you deserve a break! That’s why we’ve created this slideshow of black and white photos of pregnant women for you to do, you know, whatever with. No need to go into detail. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy these beautiful visions of gestation in whatever manner you […]

I’m not asking for much.

The advice for taking a big old honker of a butt plug is the same advice that’s going to help you power your bottom through your podcast’s third rebrand.

I can’t wait until one of my doctors makes an innocent mistake while adjusting the settings on the cryo-tank and it turns me into Mr. Freeze.

And wind chimes!

Like the say in business school, “Don’t blow your money. Let your money blow you.”

Amanda lives in Missoula, Montana, so we didn’t actually go out there to observe her morning routine firsthand even though LAX is one of the few airports that actually flies directly to Missoula because we’re scared of Republicans.

Elon Musk is his hero! I tried to explain this to them but they kept asking if I wanted to sponsor the education for some child “in need.”

“I’m in hell.”

Whatever you think you know is really just the tip.

Turns out crabs are no joke!

We’re all about the icons of the ’90s, and perhaps no one is more iconic of that simpler time than Barney the Dinosaur. We grew up alongside that taxonomically ambiguous purple creature, so it’s only natural that he also grew up alongside us. What you may not know (but, of course, we do, because we […]

Whenever more than one former Friends cast member enters the same room it is a mini Friends reunion and must be reported as such.

There was no way you were really going to “Travel More” this year.

The question job applicants dread.

She just fell asleep while submitting a piece and I’ve never been published before so, wow!

It has zero to do with our recent legal troubles, okay?

Who needs kindling when you have these literally classics?

Morally compromise everyone you love for the day of your dreams.

All level-headed, thoughtful adults know that Santa is totally real and totally in need of some sweet Christmas presents.

The backyard is a place just for you and your family. It’s a private outdoor sanctuary in which to reflect and commune with nature.

“Did you know that Austin, Texas had a serial killer that pre-dates Jack The Ripper?”

Let’s throw up together!

Honestly, who goes ‘Oh a mug? Fantastic, that’s what I’ve always wanted and had no idea how to get’

Fucking again with this shit?

With a little of that sweet, sweet Uncle Sam start-up money and some human ingenuity, you, too, can rent a luxury water vehicle.

Nothing beats curling up with a good book, flipping through its pages, holding it right side up, and, of course, telling people you’re reading it so they think you’re smart.

We shouldn’t let our thirst for power interfere with our compassion for our spiritual companions.

I know there have been a lot of questions since I, Quarog The World Eater, appeared in the space that surrounds your planet.

I mean seriously, come on, Titanic II? That has us written all over it.

What better way to pay respect to the pets you miss than to plant a produce garden in their name, right on top of their graves?