Trust me, we at Bunny Ears hear you when you talk about weight-loss frustration. For legal reasons, we can’t disclose how we hear you or whether or not we have access to your webcam, but that is beside the point. What if we told you that you could forget dieting… forever?
It’s true! We’ve put in the research and we have yet to find a weight-loss plan this effective. You will lose so much weight you will literally die! When you see yourself in a hot fashionable bikini that is. That is totally what we meant.
How It Works
Basically we set you up with one of our specialized drivers. He will show up in a windowless van. You will hand him a manila envelope with the fee for our spa weekend and he will drive you out to our luxurious spa resort in that coveted tourist destination “those spooky woods nobody ever returns from.”
You will notice that the forest seems to close in on you the deeper you proceed. This is normal. You will hear creaky, whispering voices that seem to come from the trees themselves, as if human spirits were actually trapped inside them for an eternity. This is also normal. Relax, we have this all covered. Just enjoy your luxury spa treatment.
Just moments after the gnarled branches overhead seem to suffocate the life out of the sun and all hope in your heart, you will find yourself in a clearing. There you will find the lovely austere cabin where we host our spa treatment. We hope it charms the pants off of you, because technically you have to be naked for the rest of this ceremony. Wait, spa treatment. It’s a spa treatment.
From there you will be guided by our specialists to a room in the basement where you will be instructed to lie in a chalk circle. This is to… align your chakras. Laying on centuries old masonry over a sacred burial ground is really good for your back. You will then be rubbed head to toe with our special patented goats blood cellulite reducer. Yes we have a vegan option. Please, just relax. It will be all over soon.
Just Relax
From there you will be introduced to our team of weight loss specialists. They won’t speak directly to you, but rather at you as well as a (temporarily) unseen figure about six feet above your prone body. This is all part of the procedure. There is no reason to be concerned, or to run screaming out of the cabin where our weight loss specialists will have to chase you down clutching barbed silver daggers.
If you just relax, you will feel the effects almost immediately. You will feel the fat melt away, then the muscle, then your bones turn to powder as your soul is ripped from your thoughtless, irresponsibly consumerist body and returned to the trees where it belongs. There you will feebly try to warn later customers of their fate, but they will never hear you.
Don’t fret. You will be so slender and beautiful as a tree. It’s for the best.