This Low-Cal Almond Butter Is So Addictive I’ll Blow You For It!

I didn’t believe my friend Jessica when she kept telling me that she was totally addicted to this super-sweet, low-calorie almond butter she found at Whole Foods. That is, until I saw her in an alley near her Park Avenue apartment blowing a Postmates delivery guy. That’s when I knew I really needed to get my hands on some of that. The almond butter, not the delivery guy. Not yet.

It’s So Addictive!

I was instantly hooked. You haven’t lived until you’ve felt the rush of three tablespoons of sweet and salty goodness coursing through your system like the purest white China heroin. I was awakened physically, spiritually, and sexually. No longer was I just a housewife with three ungrateful children. (Maybe four?) I always lose count. Now I’m a wild woman fueled by ethically-sourced palm oil and other non-GMO certified ingredients.

It’s crazy how addicted I am to creamy, delicious almond butter! In fact, I quickly became so hooked that the local stores wouldn’t sell to me anymore. You’d be surprised how fast Whole Foods will kick you out over just a little screaming and crying in front of their jams, jellies, and inferior nut butters when they’re out of that sweet, sweet Brown Betty.

In increasing desperation, I Googled, “how to cook your own almond butter” and found plenty of instructions. Soon, my children were bathing with our garden hose because I was always cooking up a batch in their bathtub.

Cooking it myself was dangerous, though, and one of my butter junkie friends suggested I go for strength over quantity. That’s when I started experimenting with the really hard stuff: flavored almond butter. Vanilla, caramel—hell, I even tried oatmeal raisin. I was completely off the rails.

My Addiction Led Me to Do Some Things I’m Not Very Proud Of

My husband kicked me out of the house after I tried to sell one of my children to an unsavory health food store owner for a 7-lb. pail of savory, perfect almond butter. I live on the mean streets now, the sorry aisle of Whole Foods (specifically aisle seven). Occasionally, I’ll blow a stock boy for the first shot at the Justin’s Natural Delicious shipment when it comes in.

Did you think this story would have a happy ending? I mean, sure, I’ve lost like 15 lbs. and my hair is healthier than ever because almond butter is full of vitamin E and antioxidants, but at what cost? Less than 5.99/lb. if ya nasty.

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