To be honest, I was pretty skeptical about purchasing my first ever crystal dildo. Even though I’ve worn crystals around my neck like a normal and enlightened person since 2017, the idea of inserting a piece of rock into my nether region sounded awfully cold and quite frankly barbaric. It did, however, remind me of what my mother used to say: “Pleasure is simply a form of punishment.” Mother was never wrong, so I banished my skepticism and bought myself a pleasure wand.
What a discovery! It felt like nothing I’ve ever experienced, like Mother Earth herself was pleasuring me in her signature cold and distant manner. I wanted my crystal dildo inside of me all the livelong day, so I glued it to my office chair. It was the best damn decision I’ve ever made.
Choosing my office chair crystal dildo was relatively easy. I wanted something that would purge all negative energy, both inside and outside of my conscious self. I also wanted it to match the color of my chair, so I chose black obsidian crystal.
Yes, it feels as hard and unforgiving as a mother’s love, but I can assure you that it’s 100% worth the increase you will experience in your overall productivity. Now I want nothing more than to write my daily 3,000-word quota as quickly as possible. Most days, I hit my target by lunch and double my word count by day’s end! Sure, you might struggle with some anal tears, but sleeping with a tampon up your butt is nothing compared to the value of your newfound productivity.
When I sit down to write, I refuse to get up and take a break. The thought of sliding back onto my dildo makes my eyes tear up, so I simply channel that sweet, vibrating energy inside of me and power through. Nothing motivates you more than a piece of hardened molten rock making your butthole throb.
Not only did my productivity skyrocket, dealing with other people became easier, too! When my boss sent me one of his passive-aggressive emails, I didn’t feel the need to punch down on my keyboard so hard the “T” still doesn’t work. Instead, I focused on the numbing pulsation inside my butt and simply replied “Sorry, my ‘T’ still doesn’t work.” When a crystal denier trolled me on my spiritual blog, I didn’t fly into a raging rant like I normally would when I was still a crystal newbie. (We’ve all been there!) Instead, I wrote a 10,000-word essay about my heightened psychic connection, thanks to the crystal stuck up my butt.
I would highly recommend the black obsidian crystal dildo for your office chair. It truly is the vacuum cleaner of the psyche and also a vacuum cleaner for your butt. Like, literally. I haven’t shit this well in years. Be forewarned, however, that if your butthole becomes too stretchy and you start losing the degree of discomfort needed, you’ll need to buy a bigger crystal. I’m actually sitting on two crystal dildos right now. Also, please, for the love of your insufferable bitch mother, keep it clean, folks. I recommend cleansing your pleasure wand(s) in ocean water and bathing it in moonlight at least once a week. Rejuvenating your butthole with fresh, earthy energy will keep your productivity at maximum level and, fate willing, your boss’s head out of your ass.
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