What Is Hentai And Why Are Your Kids Powerless Against It?

Hi! It’s your favorite concerned mommy blogger, Cheryl, with an update about another new thing your kids can fall prey to. (See my previous articles about why addicts love giving away drugs for free and why Post Malone is TOO SEXY for kids.) Before I tackle the subject of this post, here’s an update about my life: My husband, Barnaby, is fine and asking that I stop mentioning him in these blog posts. My children are also fine. I haven’t checked on the dog in weeks. You’ll find out why in the next paragraph.

Readers, I just discovered this new, eye-opening, tantalizingly horrible thing: hentai. Apparently, it’s a new kind of animated porn that’s been around for decades, but I’m just discovering it now and declaring it the thing that will ruin society. I’m 100% certain that hentai is super addictive to children. My children haven’t officially expressed any interest in hentai, but after what I’ve seen, I can’t imagine who wouldn’t.

Hentai is either animated or illustrated, not live-action like healthy porn with normal human bodies featuring normal human flaws. Hentai comes from Japan, and it features all my childhood crushes, from Sailor Moon to the tentacle monster. But not every type of animated porn is hentai. If your child is watching an animated porn film and there isn’t a pixilated penis in sight, you can breathe a sigh of relief! Your kid is watching harmless non-hentai.

If that animated porn reaches into the darkest depths of your psyche, deep into your Jungian shadow to find the fantasies you’d never even admit to yourself, however, your child is probably watching hentai. Brace yourself. Your child will be powerless against hentai once they have discovered it. Trust me.

For previous posts, I’ve done only enough research to confirm my preconceived notions, but for the hentai menace, I logged a full 52 uninterrupted hours on my laptop. I found things. Horrible, salacious things. I recall a devil with testicles for nipples and an alien that lays sexy eggs. (How can eggs be sexy? Click here for my newest recipe!)

See, the dangerous thing about hentai is that it conspires against your brain to ruin all normal sex. And trust me: Once you’ve seen things that are not humanly possible on your computer screen, you cannot go back to regular human sex. Just ask my husband, Barnaby. I am petrified for this generation of children, and you should be, too.

The only solution I see to the hentai problem is burning all your children’s Internet-accessible electronics and never allowing them inside a bookstore. Yes, even bookstores, for hentai also comes in manga (comic) books that are just small enough to slip under my Posturepedic pillow without my husband noticing. You can find them at almost any bookstore in my neighborhood! That’s how widespread this hentai problem is. Also, they have these body pillows now that will inevitably replace your child’s husband forever, so beware, parents!

–Cheryl