It’s hard to live the life you deserve, especially once you’ve become accustomed to a lifestyle you can’t afford. If you go to enough galas and boat shows with the well-to-do, you start thinking you are a wealthy trust-funder yourself. Once you develop the proper etiquette, however, people get used to you being there. Being associated with Macaulay Culkin is big right now, and gets me into all the best Satanic sex parties. It gives me a chance to hobnob with celebrities and get my face out there. Then I got a fake bank account in Mack’s name and a credit card I got from a guy called “Frankie” that says “BUNNY EARS EXPENSE ACCOUNT.” The next thing I knew, people stopped noticing when I pull unusual amounts of money from sketchy ATMs at 3:00 A.M. and pay for everything with cash.
The Life You Deserve
It’s amazing how used to this lifestyle you can get. You spend your morning scanning Google Image Search for official letterheads and proprietary fonts. As if by muscle memory, you shift money from account to account once a transaction goes through, using that capital to secure a loan. You then resell complimentary fashion items from red carpet events on eBay for money to make the minimum payment on loans. Gotta keep that credit rating sparkling. Then you take out loans to pay off other loans. Hire a business manager and have him start sucking some dick on the side.
Most importantly, you have got to be able to sell yourself, because God knows you don’t have any actual assets. Talk about your projects and plans; get others on board as investors, promoters, and potential unwitting accomplices. If your friends think of themselves more as business partners, they will be more likely to let you borrow money, since both of you will be rich soon anyway. Bunny Ears Exclusive Tip: If you can’t think of anything to pretend you are working on, just tell everyone you are working on a mobile app. Literally, nobody knows what that process is like or what benchmarks you are supposed to be reaching at any given point.
You may get caught, which seems scary. That’s why you need to make as many wealthy friends as possible before then. Lay low in minimum-security prison. Play cards with Martin Shkreli for a few months. All the people you ripped off will have forgotten, and they will be ripe for the picking all over again after your post-jail rebirth as a “club promoter,” “art collector,” or “freelance writer.”
Images: Alessandro Valli, lab604, Sophie