It often seems like the only way to treat erectile dysfunction is via expensive medications that come with a laundry list of unpleasant side effects. And that’s exactly what Big Pharma wants you to think. That’s why we’re so excited to share our all-natural and completely holistic solution to this common problem: dangling your penis over a tank of hungry piranhas.
The Procedure
The treatment is just as it sounds. We use an aquarium-grade tank of water filled with your average flesh-eating piranhas. Additionally, the piranhas are starved for several days before the procedure (you ideally want them to be at the point of hunger where they’re angry, but not yet apathetic). A technician then applies the tank to the base of your penis.
The Method
Erections are a mind-body experience. Scientifically, hanging your man-meat over a tank of predatory fish stimulates the “fight-or-flight” part of the brain.* Your penis wants to protect itself from turning into lunch and reacts by getting hard, if only to put itself in a position where it’s parallel to the pool of piranhas as opposed to floating flaccidly inside it. Never underestimate the power of fear, especially when it comes to your penis.
*(We’re legally obligated to note that none of this has technically been backed by science.)
Admittedly, this treatment is not without its drawbacks. If you’re trying to pitch a tent for sex purposes, you will have to bring your partner to the tank of piranhas and engage in intercourse as soon as physically possible. Testing has proved that this is scary for some, thrilling for others, and, for a small minority, both. Also, this procedure is still in testing, so insurance does not cover it—yet. We sincerely hope that, one day soon, you will be able to go to your doctor and ask for this treatment with the same ease that you ask for Viagra. But the Viagra is fish with teeth.