I have never been the type of woman to follow trends. When they said that leggings were the new pants, I kept with my old fashioned American blue jeans. When they said that yoga was the new veganism, I kept being insufferable and preachy on my own terms. However, sometimes trends aren’t just trends. Sometimes there really are better ways to do things. Netflix is better than Blockbuster ever was. Justin Timberlake’s solo career is better than NSYNC because I don’t have to block out the other dudes so I can masturbate in peace. Things change and society progresses.
Recently, I learned about a new trend that transcended the bounds of fashion and technology. If there is one thing that has always gotten in the way of any look, it’s my elbows. Weird patches of nasty testicle skin over a bird skull like bone—or two bones? I don’t know, it’s freaky. I was sick and tired of these wobbly skin patches distracting the eye from the rest of my outfit. Luckily I found the answer. I removed my elbows and now Lincoln Logs connect my arms.
At first the Lincoln Logs took a moment to get used to. They totally ruined my lotioning routine. Luckily I have a naturally ‘go with the flow’ disposition so I quickly added wood polish to my daily beauty routine. The logs looked so gorgeous when I wore a sleeveless dress that I upgraded to the finest pine scented polish to keep them looking fresh.
Not only are my Lincoln Log hinges fashionable they also make so many daily activities better. No longer do I have to worry about damaging my joints when I do yoga. I can put as much weight on my forearms because my elbows are made of Lincoln Logs which were made for holding tons of weight.
Lincoln Log elbows have not only improved my life, they have saved my life. Last night when I was leaving my parking garage, I slashed the tires of this dude who cut me off three weeks ago. Just two of them— if you slash all four, their insurance will cover the cost and ruin your revenge. I didn’t think I’d get caught. I waited those three weeks so he wouldn’t suspect me. But that dude caught me breaking into his BMW to eat some Fig Newtons I saw in the passenger seat and catch up on Little Women LA with his fancy car WiFi. Anyway, I was trying to outrun him and I was able to elbow him in the groin with my new pointy wood hinges.
Sometimes people ask me why I chose to make such a large alternation to my body in the name of fashion. Was I that committed to being on trend that I was willing to be out of style permanently in just a few months? But Lincoln Logs as elbows aren’t just a trend. They are a fashion and lifestyle revolution. I know that I will truly never miss my old elbows. And if I do I can just buy some from a weird surgeon in another country.
Images: Unsplash, Unsplash, Unsplash