Creative types, listen up: It might be nice doing what your heart desires, but you’ll never make any money that way. Do you really think you’re going to be able to find success with your emotional, patient lifestyle when there are so many other lifestyles willing to please everyone else in your life? It’s about time you put your art film life out to pasture and start living your life like an explosive Hollywood blockbuster.
The first thing on the chopping block has to be your ambitions. If your priorities are to save your town’s art district or community center, then I’ve got sour news: You’re gonna die alone and unloved. You need to go out and find a cause to fight for, something super impractical yet inoffensive, like stopping a crime syndicate or blowing up a pollution factory.
Next up, you have to change your behavior to make sure your heartfelt, passionate actions match the standards that the world finds appropriate and acceptable. Do you have a healthy, active, adventurous sex life with a partner you love and trust? You have to break up with them, ideally in the rain to the swells of one of the more tender Bruce Springsteen hits. From this day forward, passionate kissing or light petting is as far as you can go. In fact, for most of the year, you’re going to be limited to moderate flirting, although innuendo is permitted.
Likewise, violence has to hit the bricks in your life, at least in the traditional sense. If you’re ever in a fit of rage and unable to control yourself, you can’t start swinging away; most people are far more comfortable seeing you break out some expert-level martial arts to take down your opponent. Be wary of not shedding too much blood, or you’ll never get a wide release. Think of the children, you animal.
Speaking of children, you will be way more accessible to the all-important youth demographic if you can keep your swearing to a minimum. I’m talking one “fuck” per year, two at the very most, and never, ever as a verb. In fact, when talking to strangers, always think to yourself “Is this a conversation that a parent could enjoy with their children?” If the answer is “yes,” you’ll be getting over with people around the world rather than just broke college kids in film class.
Furthermore, you’re going to have to change-up the company you keep if you really want to improve your life to blockbuster status. Delete your contacts, unfriend folks on social media, and start anew with traditionally good-looking (but not unrelatably good-looking) model types.
To ensure that your artsy, expressionistic life is terminated for good, it’s vital that you approach any and all problems by prioritizing the spectacle of the solution. You’re going to have to learn to multitask. Did you lock your keys in your car? The art version of you might take your adventure on foot to meet eccentric people and learn more about who you truly are. The new you, however, sets off timed explosives under your car, buys a brand new Aston Martin, speeds through the city streets, hits a ramp-shaped wall from a dilapidated building, and slams into your worst enemy, who is on a military-grade helicopter. Now that’s multitasking, Hollywood-style.