Welcome to The Beginner’s Guide to [Blank], our recurring series where our experts provide everything you need to know about your new endeavor, regardless of what it is. Life is full of exciting opportunities, and while it’s fine to tackle a new adventure on your own, we here at Bunny Ears know that it’s better to have an experienced guide to help on your journey.

This week we’ll be taking you through:

The Beginner’s Guide To Sleep

We expend a lot of energy talking about things that are “second nature.” But why don’t we focus on examining things that are first nature? I’m talking about the things we do unconsciously, every day, and inevitably. And this is where, if we don’t overanalyze things, we can get into real trouble. Because the most important thing in the whole universe, in terms of your personal health, is sleep.

Sleep. I’ll say it again for search optimization: sleep. You probably think sleep is just something that comes naturally because literally everyone does it, and if you don’t do it, you will for sure go insane and die.

But if you think you’ve got your sleep down cold, sorry: you’re an idiot. Google “sleep problems.” Twenty fucking million results. Also, thanks to that search, I just learned that Jennifer Aniston and Shaquille O’Neal both suffer from sleep disorders. Do you think you’re better than the greatest actress and/or basketball player of the modern era? No, the mere fact that you are reading this proves that you are worse than they are in every way.

Look, here is just a light sampling of the literally dozens of GOOP articles that illustrate the depth of the problem:

• This one helpfully suggests taking a fucking bath and buying three-hundred dollar pajamas: “How To Sleep Better.“
• This one advocates junking the old alarm clock in favor of “dawn simulation devices:” “How To Get Better Sleep.” It also suggests a warm bath.
• And in case you need seven more tips, try this one: “Seven Tips To Better Sleep From The Body Whisperer.” Guess what number 3 is? If you guessed “A FUCKING BATH” you’d be half-right. The actual answer is a bath with $36 Naturopathica Sweet Birch Magnesium Bath Flakes.

You can’t make this shit up.

…You know what? Actually, that’s right. You can’t make this up.

Look, I set out to write a hilarious parody of this bullshit, and I just can’t fucking do it. I am a funny, funny man. I wrote that incredible article about what your period is trying to tell you about the NASDAQ. Newsflash: your period isn’t trying to tell you anything!  And the NASDAQ is, I’m pretty sure, not even a real thing.

And I am very smart. I have an Ivy League PhD in English (it’s from Cornell, but still). And yet I cannot, for the life of me, gun against my fucking temple, think of anything funnier than “a warm bath with $36 Naturopathica Sweet Birch Magnesium Bath Flakes.”

Fuck it.

I mean, come on. The Guardian, the worst independent news organization on Earth, literally recommends kiwis. Kiwis! Fucking. Kiwis.

It’s too funny!

Oh, you know what? I just got sad. Because people are desperate morons. Not only can we literally not do the single easiest thing for a human being to do (sleep), but apparently also large swaths of us are turning to really dumb and/or pretentious solutions to this problem.

Here’s a GOOP article about taking a $507 bath.

Oh, you know what might help you sleep? Buying a $37,000.00 lock of Mack’s hair.

Okay, I’m done. Eat good, exercise lots, and go to bed and get up at the same time every day in a dark, quiet, comfortable space, and never click on one of these articles ever again please.

Ugh. This job is impossible. Somebody tell Mack I quit.