In our endless exploration of the dark corners of pop culture, we’ve come up against some pretty compelling characters. And they’ve driven us to ask the real questions. The tough questions. The important questions. For example, did we all want to fuck David The Gnome?
Girl, You Gnome It’s True
David The Gnome was a children’s cartoon show that aired on Nickelodeon beginning in 1987. It followed the adventures of a lovable gnome veterinarian, David, who lived in a cozy house with his wife, Lisa, two mice, and a cricket. To get around to do his animal veterinarying, he rode a fox named Swift. Even the most simplistic biography of David The Gnome Daddy tells us that he’s a stable homeowner who dedicates his life to his animal friends. Really, at this point, we should be asking what kind of monster doesn’t want to let David The Gnome absolutely rail them.
Gnome Point In Hiding It
Although it didn’t occur on the show because arrests would happen, the original children’s book — Gnomes by Wil Huygen — featured a frankly excessive number of nude gnome drawings. There were gnome boobs, gnome butts, and a memorable overhead drawing of David in the bathtub that gave some people confusing ideas about the size of some things. David the Gnome had a daddy bod going on, with an endearing tummy full of snacks that will no doubt provide excellent cushioning when you’re bouncing on it in reverse cowgirl.
Ain’t Gnome Doubt About It
We recognize that it’s going to take some time for you to come to terms with the fact that your attraction to older, secure men is actually because you want a cartoon gnome to shove his jaunty red gnome hat entirely into your asshole. But really, what did David The Gnome teach us if not to accept and love all creatures? Even — and perhaps, most especially — our own gnome-fucking selves.
Images: CINAR/Miramax Films/BRB Internacional
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I never knew how much i loved gnomes until today.