I’m what a lot of women call a “nice guy.” You know—the one who helps her move, always lends a shoulder to cry on, and drives her to the mall when she goes to Victoria’s Secret for some “retail therapy.” But do I ever get to see that fancy new lingerie? Nope! I’m the one who puts in the time and I’m the one who truly cares about her—yet girls never want to actually date me. And even worse? Just when I’m about to finally tell a girl how I really feel, she’ll tell me I’m “just, like, such a good friend”—and then magically transport me into a video game from the late 1980s. Every. Time.
My bland, two-bedroom apartment (adorned solely with Funko Pop Doctor Who toys) is but a memory as I find myself in a tiny room surrounded by bricks. All that’s there are three identical pipes with numbers floating in the air above them. Once more, it would seem, a girl I like has put me in the Warp Zone. And it blows.
Is it so crazy that I should get to actually date a woman to whom I feel entitled (even though I admittedly do not appeal to her in any way)? I don’t think so! And yet, instead of the physical affection and companionship I deserve from a lady for being nice to her, all of a sudden I’m in unfamiliar environs, and all I can do is pick a pipe, squat, and go wherever it leads. And it always leads to somewhere unfamiliar and scary. What is this new place, this land of “2”? It’s dark, underground, and full of little blue mushroom guys that keeping scuttling towards me. And I’m honestly terrified by this so-called “4.” There’s a man on a cloud who throws spiky little monsters at me. Even though I’m a really nice guy!
What’s even worse is when you really put in the effort for a female friend—watching movies without trying anything because you respect her so much, or being her platonic date to her cousin’s wedding and such—and instead of giving you a kiss goodnight like she should, she gives you a hug and rushes off to see her boyfriend who’s cheating on her. And before she does, she once again lets you know she’s totally keeping you in the dreaded Warp Zone. This one sends you to a creepily-lit room boasting voyages to lands “6,” “7,” and “8.” None of those are places you want to go. “6” is just boring, “7” has actual bullets flying at you, and “8” is really hard and full of burning lakes and spinning arms. Plus, there’s a dragon at the end of it who breathes fire. Women are so confusing!
Will my silent suffering ever end? Will I ever get a girl who actually likes herself enough to realize that her dream guy is standing right here, generating absolutely no chemistry with her and quietly seething on the inside? Will that happen before or after she sends me into a Warp Zone, where a pipe leads me to yet another land of duck-like turtles and mushrooms that double my height? I’m just getting so tired of climbing a huge flight of brick stairs, jumping off of it, and landing on a flagpole, which I then slide down.
The princess, it would seem, is always in another castle.
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Weak