The debate is as old as the internet itself. Who knows, it may be even as old as the sweater itself – we have no way of knowing. And yet still, today, in 2018, the argument rages on: which type of hoodie is superior: the zip-up or the pull-over?

You may be asking why, at a moment in time where dire political controversies have pushed the stakes of the nation’s ideological divide to unprecedented extremes, this seemingly innocuous fashion question matters.

But I tell you this: just like it is fucking insane that so many people voted the way they did in the 2016 election, it is also fucking insane that so many people think that pull-overs are better than zip-up hoodies.

They are not. Zip-ups are definitely, objectively, just fucking better. Okay?

So let this article finally stomp this awful brand of garbage-thinking to death, and end this radically unnecessary argument, establishing, once and for all, in perpetuity and throughout the universe, that zip-up hoodies are way doper than pull-over hoodies.

First of all, we must dispel certain myths regarding hoodies.

HOODIE MYTHS DISPELLED

MYTH 1: Pull-overs are warmer than zip-up hoodies.

Fuck you. This is stupid. You are stupid. The material you make the hoodie out of and how thick that material is determines the warmth-giving capacity of the hoodie, not whether or not there is a zipper in the front. You think all the heat escapes out the zipper? Okay genius, air freely comes and goes out both the waist and the neck, but sure, that zipper is gonna be the cause of your frostbitten nipples. Fuck, you’re dumb. Oh, and by the way, if you live in some shitty place where it gets cold, then either wear layers or move to a place where it’s nice. Literally billions of people have figured this out. We aren’t bears. We aren’t even evolved from bears yet. Live someplace temperate and stop projecting your irrational bullshit onto other people’s choice of outerwear.

MYTH 2: Pull-overs sometimes have cool chest designs.

No. These are always dumb.

MYTH 3: Pull-overs are more comfortable.

What? How? Explain. This is in your head. Did you base this opinion on a sample size of just two hoodies? Because that’s what it sounds like. I’m no scientist, but maybe you should try putting on a few more hoodies, and then you’ll realize that comfort-level and zipper-existence are not actually correlated. Fuck, I SHOULD be a scientist.

MYTH 4: Zippers break.

You’re right. Fixing a zipper is impossible because you are an idiot. You are probably reading this on an iPhone, the breakiest thing in the known universe, and you are complaining about zippers, whose durability is virtually unprecedented in the fashion world. I have literally broken more bones in my own body than I have broken zippers on zip-up hoodies. So fuck you.

MYTH 5: But the sides of zip-up hoodies flap around!

THAT’S WHY YOU ZIP IT UP YOU FUCKING DUMB FUCK. Are we arguing about capes here? No, seriously, have you mistaken zip-up hoodies for fucking capes? Because you know the whole fucking point is that if you want you have the fucking choice to zip it up, right? Once zipped, the zip-up hoodie has identical flap potential to the pull-over hoodie. So this is not a problem. Stop inventing problems. Go fuck yourself.

MYTH 6: This last myth is so stupid it’s actually hard for me to type it out here, but I have legitimately heard this argument and feel the need to reproduce it here for the sake of journalistic integrity: pull-overs wear out slower because you wear them less because they are less convenient to grab on the way out the door, so by default you get to keep them longer.

I mean. Everybody else is hearing this, too, right? You are literally saying the thing that proves you are exactly 100% wrong as if it were evidence in your own favor. There is part of you, deep down, somewhere in that malformed brain of yours, that recognizes how fucking stupid you sound when you say this, right? I can’t even with this fucking shit.

Okay, now that those dumbass myths are out of the way, let’s look at the cold hard motherfucking facts.

MOTHERFUCKING

HOODIE

FACTS

FACT 1:

There are two completely different ways of wearing a zip-up hoodie, offering the wearer a choice of zipped or unzipped, so that it functions just like a pull-over hoodie, but, pivotally, also like a jacket.

FACT 2:

When you put on a zip-up hoodie, you don’t automatically fuck up your hair. When you put on a pull-over hoodie, you do. Please kindly note that this should end the fucking debate right here, but I will go on for the sake of science, because idiots and trolls will continue to maintain that pull-overs are rad, despite the obvious fact that pull-overs are basically like a jacket and a noogie rolled into one ball of shit.

FACT 3:

Zip-up hoodies have two good pockets, instead of one bad pocket. Two is literally infinite-times better than zero, which is how many reasonably functional pockets pull-over hoodies have. Those kangaroo-ass double pockets on pullovers are the most useless fucking things in the world. I tell you what. I challenge you to a debate about zip-up hoodies versus pull-over hoodies, but you have to put your car keys and cell phone in that one big double-holed pull-over pocket for the entire day before you come to the debate. Great. Now, when I show up to the debate by myself because you lost your fucking car keys and cell phone, we won’t have to waste any more of anyone’s time.

FACT 4:

Zip-up hoodies give you shirt pocket access, if you’re into that sort of thing.

FACT 5:

The zipper provides additional design element potential, based on color, width, and interaction with any graphic elements on the hoodie itself.

FACT 6:

Unless you are a model in a slow-motion video, you definitely look like a fucking idiot taking off your pull-over hoodie. I mean, I guess I could be wrong. Maybe you like having your shirt stuck to the inside-middle of your hoodie like cling film, but that’s weird, because as a pull-over lover, you obviously hate your fucking shirt because you don’t want anyone to ever see it. Otherwise, you would wear a fucking zip-up so you aren’t locked in to some stupid-ass fucking piece of shit pull-over all fucking day long.

CONCLUSION

Zip-up hoodies are better than pull-over hoodies.

CODA

Are you an idiot who used to think pull-overs were better than zip-ups and now you see the light? Leave a comment below thanking us!