Your annual Parent-Teacher Association potluck meetings are usually fraught with tension as parents and school faculty tussle to craft a wholesome learning environment while scarfing down microwaved potato skins. But with a little innocent subterfuge, a few crowd-pleasing recipes, and a bag full of ecstasy pills shaped like Spider-Man’s head, you can turn your stuffy PTA potluck into a euphoric wonderland.
Baked Brie in Puff Pastry With Walnuts and Blueberry Preserves
Ingredients
1 large sheet of puff pastry dough
1 wheel of Brie cheese
½ cup Blueberry preserves
1 Spider-Man ecstasy pill, crushed into fine powder
½ cup chopped walnuts
1) Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.
2) Roll puff pastry dough onto sheet. Place the brie at the center of the dough square. If you’d like the crust to adhere to the cheese when melted to appease Alice the PTA treasurer’s nit picky sense of aesthetic perfection even though her buffalo chicken dip looks like ass slurry every year, slice off the top layer of rind from the brie before folding into the dough.
3) In a small bowl, combine the blueberry preserves and powdered MDMA until undetectable by the dad with the permanent grimace of someone who’s just smelled how bad their own fart is. He was the only one to detect the dash of nutmeg in last year’s carbonara bake. Cover the brie with preserves and chopped walnuts.
4) Drape the four corners of the dough across the brie, leaving a little exposed filling for presentation so you don’t incur the passive-aggressive wrath Valerie, the head of the PTA, who thinks you don’t see her shit-talking everyone’s minor culinary mistakes on her foodie Instagram account.
5) Bake on middle rack for 35 to 40 minutes. Cool on wire rack for 10 minutes before serving with a side of trance music and glow sticks.
Baked Ziti with Sausage
Ingredients
1 16-ounce boxed dry ziti
1 pound mild Italian sausage
15 ounces ricotta cheese
1 egg
1 large sweet onion, chopped
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1 teaspoon fresh basil, minced
1 Spider-Man ecstasy pill, crushed into fine powder
Salt and pepper
1 jar spaghetti sauce, divided
8 ounces shredded mozzarella
1) Ignore complaints of nausea. The brie wasn’t spoiled; that’s the MDMA kicking in.
2) Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease a 9×13 baking dish. Bring a large pot of salted water to boil.
3) When the water begins to boil, stir in the ziti. Cook according to package directions. Drain well.
4) Cook sausage in a large skillet set over medium heat, 8 to 10 minutes. Drain grease. Or don’t. Once these people start getting handsy, even the most rigorous calorie counters will be too busy dry humping to the hypnotic rhythms of DJ Tiesto to care about saturated fats.
5) In a large bowl, stir to combine ricotta, onion, garlic, MDMA, dried oregano, and egg. Stir in cooked sausage, half a jar of spaghetti sauce, salt-and-pepper, and drained pasta. If you’re worried you might be adding too much MDMA, stop that. You must be the angel of love and consensual groping that whisks them off to feel the delights of the universe via ziti.
6) Cover the bottom of the prepared baking pan with a third of the remaining spaghetti sauce, followed by half of the pasta mixture, then half of the shredded mozzarella. Repeat the layers. Top with basil.
7) Bake for 20 minutes. Notice the expression of the father with the fart face change to that of a mountain climber breaking through the mist to see the peak for the first time. Notice Valerie sending out videos of her telling her thousands of followers how much she loves her PTA buddies. Listen to Alice complain about how sad it is that the ficus in the corner can receive hugs but cannot give them.
Chocolate Pudding
Ingredients
½ cup white sugar
3 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
1 Spider-Man ecstasy pill, crushed into fine powder
¼ cup cornstarch
¼ teaspoon salt
2 ¼ cup milk
2 tablespoons butter or margarine
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1) Stir together sugar, cocoa, MDMA, cornstarch, and salt in a saucepan over medium heat.
2) Delight in how Valerie tries to fight off the euphoria to get the meeting back to the first item on the agenda: hiring a D.A.R.E. officer to lecture the kids on drug safety. Stir for 1 minute as the mixture boils. Remove from hea—oh, Fart Face Dad is making out with Alice. Good for them.
3) Stir in butter and vanilla. Pour into individual dishes. Refrigerate for at least 2 hours.
4) With everyone’s ego stripped away, quickly find consensus on topics ranging from field trips to carpools to after school tutoring programs before ending the meeting with a group hug.