The Apex Diet: Eat Only What Can Eat You!

For as long as I could remember, I’ve always been a pussy. I vividly recall the days where I’d be standing alongside countless cowards at the nearest grocery store, spending my hard-earned money on frozen pizzas, boxes of dry macaroni, or preservative-filled burgers. Some call it sustenance. Some even call it satisfying. But let’s call it what it is: eating, the national pastime of sissies.

Now, I’m not alone in my wimpy, namby-pamby eating habits; in fact, most of the world prefers to buy their meals prepared, or at least buy the pre-made ingredients to cook themselves. These are the same people who don’t have the balls to kill me when I challenge them to blood sport in the streets. God forbid that shit gets really bad, and one day it will, these people won’t know how to make it past week one, and that’s after they’ve eaten their own pets. Sorry, Patches, now you’re the dog food!

So I’ve decided to take charge in a movement that changed my life. Not only have I become stronger and healthier, but when push comes to shove, I have established my dominance on the top of the food chain.

Ladies and gentlefolk, I present to you: the Apex Diet. Think you’re man enough to run with the wolves? My friends, with the Apex Diet, not only will you join their pack, but you will EAT THOSE FUCKING WOLVES.

The Apex Diet means no more pre-packaged food or dishes prepared by chefs. It means you’re hunting down your prey like the predator you were born to be, and you take control of your hunger one kill at a time. But it’s not as easy as trapping and fishing: for the Apex Diet, you can only eat animals that could absolutely kill you.

Hungry for seafood? Get yourself a dagger and take down a Great White Shark in the treacherous seas of the Mediterranean. Not only will you have mackerel for days, but you’ll be the Ocean equivalent of the new prisoner who fucks up the biggest lifer in the yard. Even if you get a chunk taken out of your leg or torso, that’s even better: you might actually eat a part of yourself by accident, and that’s the toughest shit in the world.

If you want a burger? Get a job as a matador. Looking for some bacon? Slay a Bayou Boar with its own damn tusk. You want them chicken fingers? Can’t help you, but drag a Cassowary carcass to a deep fryer and PROVE ME WRONG.

The Apex Diet isn’t about being at your peak physical fitness or the strongest man in the world, although either would surely help. It’s about removing fear and hesitation from your yellow-belly and use your clear mind towards overcoming the greatest obstacle imaginable, that being wild animals who actively want to consume you and, presumably, shit you out of their butt hole. Is it dangerous and unnecessary? Absolutely. But the other day, I watched The Revenant, and when DiCaprio got attacked by that fucking bear, I wasn’t shocked or frightened. I was HUNGRY.

Hell, going headfirst into the Apex Diet might help you push through your own boundaries and preconceptions. I have been deathly afraid of spiders like the chickenshit milksop I am, no matter the circumstance. But just last week, I found myself sinking my teeth into a roasted Brazilian Wandering Spider, an arachnid so venomous, it paralyzes every muscle in your body to an unimaginably painful degree before you die. AND YES, THIS INCLUDES YOUR DICK.

The only downside to the Apex Diet is that you find yourself continually trying to one-up your previous meal. If you’re having some barbecued mountain lion for breakfast, you might find yourself cooking a submarine for a steamed giant squid dinner. With so many hours in the day, you really need to prove that you’re not a total wimp bitch baby to track down these literal man-eaters on a practical schedule. Hell, if the crocodiles or stingrays or swarms of bats don’t kill you, the travel just might!*

*Please do not try to eat an airplane. It does not taste good.