Can You Screw Up Pizza? We’re Gonna Try!

For a lot of people, the hardest part about eating healthy is giving up their favorite foods. What if I told you that you didn’t have to choose between good health and heart-clogging goodness? With just a few substitutions, you can make any food healthy, and it might not taste like sandy butt. That’s why we decided to give the Bunny Ears test kitchen its greatest challenge yet: healthy pizza. You know what they say: You can’t screw up pizza! But we’re gonna try.

First, we started with the crust. Gluten gives you thetans, so there’s no way we can use a traditional dough. Cauliflower crusts are all the rage, but to really pack in the vitamins and flavor, we used broccoli. It might taste like old man farts, but cauliflower tastes like nothing, and it’s just the ghost of broccoli. Think about that. It’s broccoli that died.

Ideally, you want to throw your broccoli in a food processor and dice it into a rice-like texture, but Mack didn’t pay me enough for this article to buy a KitchenAid, so I just chopped it until I got tired. Then, just mash it up with some organic, cage-free eggs and shit, flatten it out, and bake it for 20 minutes at 350 degrees.

On to the sauce! Good news: Tomatoes are already healthy. Bad news: All the other stuff that makes tomato sauce tasty, like olive oil and brown sugar, isn’t. Go back to your food processor and just puree a tomato. If you’re like me and don’t have a food processor, smash it with a sledgehammer.

But what about the cheese? You can use a creamy tofu substitute, but I’ve discovered something even better: nutritional yeast! It’s got zero fat, practically no calories, and a delightfully cheesy taste. So what if it’s the texture of Shake ‘n’ Bake? Better just dump the whole jar on that bad boy. You’ve got a lot of broccoli tomato mash to cover up.

Now the fun part: Toppings! Pretty much any fruit or vegetable will serve as a healthy punch of flavor, but we’ve clearly already got enough of that going on. Instead, we just threw a handful of vitamins on top.

You see? Eating healthy doesn’t have to be dull! With the right attitude and a little creativity, it can be downright terrifying.

Image: Pexels