We all know how important it is to detox daily. You need to flush out all the harmful, negative toxins you collected from the craft gin and kale flights from the night before, but simply sweating them out in your home sauna isn’t going to separate the Dijon. You need to be totally invested in keeping your toxicity spectrum as elegantly balanced as Russell Brand’s facial hair, and that balance means retoxification – for what is yin without its yang?
Retoxing creates a stable layer of toxins in your body that other toxins can latch onto. Think of it as the base of a soup, like chicken stock, or orange juice in a mimosa. It’s the blank canvas on which your body will paint the rest of the toxins you imbibe, creating a firm net of corrosive poison for your detox regimen to easily latch onto and remove. Think of it like this – it’s much easier to trap vagrant children on your property with birthday cake than with egg white omelets. Once they’ve all glomed on to the cake, you simply have your groundskeeper drag it to the end of the street, and now you don’t have to settle any lawsuits over refusing to build an ugly fence around your glorious bi-level swimming pool. An everyday retox is the exact same process, only conducted inside your body!
There are plenty of everyday retox recipes out there for you to choose from, but today, we’re going to share one of our favorites – Dr Pepper and Cap’n Crunch. Now, you may be unfamiliar with the ingredients, but don’t worry. They’re actually very easy to find. The next time you head to Pavilions on a vodka run, just flag down one of the employees and they’ll show you where to find them in the children’s section.
If the titular crunch of the Cap’n Crunch proves to be too formidable, or for instance if you’ve just had your teeth capped, you can simply pour the bowl into your blender and use the ice crush setting to make yourself a delicious retox smoothie! Add a single-celled organism from your bathroom floor for a nice protein boost and additional toxin supplement.