This Year, Train Your Body To Tolerate More Pain With Vicodin!
Imagine a world in which knives do not exist. Picture that world, and reach into your aged leather waist satchel for more Vicodin.
Macaulay Culkin’s Wellness Island Festival Has Been Regretfully Cancelled
Turns out crabs are no joke!
This Year I’ll Finally Finish Bricking My Nemesis Behind That Wall
Building a tiny walled prison is one of those chores that demands attention but doesn’t excite your passion.
Mack Answers Your Dumb Questions: ‘What’s Your Favorite Grilled Cheese Recipe?’
“Grilled cheese” is a relative term.
Bone Broth Is Out, Gnawing On Bones Is In!
Why waste time boiling stacks of the flayed dead so you can suckle the runoff when you can cut out the middle man and get all the nutrients you need direct from the source?
Go Green! Use Solar Powered Bulldozers To Level That Jungle For Your Handbag Factory
There’s a lot of pressure to go green these days, and with good reason. It’s important to be seen doing your part to save the environment. I guess you could also quietly implement a recycling program and cut back on air travel, but if you want to really take advantage of all the ways saving […]
I’ve Never Been Prouder Than The Day I Helped My Children Beat Their First Murder Charge
There are many moments during your life as a parent in which you get to feel immeasurable pride for the children your first marriage bore you. Once you and your partner’s schedules lined up and you could reserve time in between getting your enamel sealed with cucumber spring water and applying a Starbucks cold brew […]
Start Your Everyday Retox With These Dr Pepper and Cap’n Crunch Recipes
We all know how important it is to detox daily. You need to flush out all the harmful, negative toxins you collected from the craft gin and kale flights from the night before, but simply sweating them out in your home sauna isn’t going to separate the Dijon. You need to be totally invested in […]
Reduce Your Carbon Footprint By Trading In Your Lamborghini For A Palanquin
Listen, we know how important it is to drive around in a car worth more than the Gross National Product of most developing nations, covered in enough coats of wax to weaponize the sun’s rays while burning through twelve gallons of premium gasoline on a single trip to Bristol Farms. Fame and status are our […]
Mack Answers Your Dumb Questions: ‘Have You Ever Had A Major Premonition?’
Spoiler: He has. And it was epic.
How To Feng Shui Your Panic Room
The spiritual flow of your house is one of the most important factors in achieving a zen-like state of personal equilibrium wherein you will permanently be better than all of your friends and they will know this truth but never speak it aloud for fear of being struck down by a beam of pure rapturous […]
Color Of The Month: Color Me Badd
We know we’re going to catch some heat over this month’s pick for color of the month (get ready to weather the storm of all those angry pro-Orange comments, everyone). But pound for pound, no other color on the spectrum of visible light brought their A-game quite like that plucky little quartet from Oklahoma City, […]
Hella Chic: Propeller Beanies With Optional Motors And Neck Clamps
We know many of you read this blog to stay up-to-date on all the hot Hollywood trends. In the past we’ve broken such fashion explosions as iridescent capes, the latest in mascot chic, and plastic wallet chains before they hit boutiques. Our goal is to give our readers the opportunity to get in as early […]
The Hot New Fashion Trend of 2018 – Wearing The Flesh Of Your Enemies
We’re already several months into the new year, and odds are you’re still wearing the same dirty old wardrobe from 2017. Fearful of making some terrible error in fashion, you’re clinging to the dusty threads that by all rights should’ve been mothballed, or, better yet, burned, the instant the clock struck midnight on January 1st. […]
How To Get All Those Toxic Metals Out Of Your Blood With A Magnet Cleanse
Have you been feeling sluggish lately? Are you finding it more and more difficult to keep your brunch dates, or even make it to dog yoga on time without damaging your pooch’s sleep cycle? Well the reason for your leaden behind is exactly that – lead. That’s right – as you read this, countless toxic […]
Mack Answers Your Dumb Questions: ‘Which ’90s Snack Food Would You Bring Back?’
You asked, Mack answered.