Mack Answers Your Dumb Questions: ‘Which ’90s Snack Food Would You Bring Back?’
Hello, Mackateers. Macaulay Culkin here, taking a break from learning how to play the Sonic the Hedgehog theme song on an enchanted harp, to see what’s on your minds. That’s right. It’s once again time for me to sift through the deluge of fan letters I receive on a literal second-by-second basis and answer one of your questions. (Or at least as much of it as I can get through before this harp starts calling my name again. That’s not a figure of speech, by the way. The harp regularly shouts for me whenever it starts to feel lonely. Or when Hulu is about to autoplay The Orville instead of the next episode of Divorce Court).
Twitter user @cowbellfever asks: “What’s Macaulay Culkin’s ’90s snack food pick/What discontinued food does he wish they’d bring back?”
What an excellent question, CowbellFever! Disguised within your fun “what weird ’90s snack did Macaulay Culkin love” inquiry is a subtle examination of loss and the human experience. Indeed, too many of us have felt the inconsolable pain of mortality when heartwarming treats like Crystal Pepsi, Pepsi Blue, and Pepsi Salted Caramel were gunned down by the figurative machine gun of market research. These were, after all, products that comforted us in times of need. Like watching Ben Affleck’s Daredevil in theaters. Or a devastatingly amateur K/D ratio in Halo Reach.
But I digress.
To answer your question: I can honestly say that Macaulay Culkin’s ’90s snack food most-favored item was Hostess Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Pie. The Hostess TMNT Pie may be a whistling void in the memory of many, but its majestic yellow packaging is forever seared into my heart and mind. Even now, as I dictate these words to my assistant through the elaborate system of PVC piping I’ve installed so I don’t have to leave my harp chamber, I can taste the flaky green crust and room temperature vanilla filling as if it were still 1991.*
Everything about the TMNT Pie was perfection.
It was as if nineteen bolts of lightning were trapped in the same bottle, and that bottle was used to make a highly-processed snack cake. Each pie was sealed in a jaundiced package that showcased one of the Fab Four, stuffing what appeared to be a green taco into their considerable maws as they howled with silent, toothy glee. The need to collect mint condition versions of all 4 different wrappers was an instant flashpoint, paving the way for Pokémon several years later.
The pies themselves were green pockets of white fluid, allowing children the world over to pretend they were eating actual turtles—your buddy Mack included. And as you likely know, tepid viscous cream flows through the veins of both turtles and ninjas, so Hostess’s decision to fill their ’90s snack cakes with a thick vanilla-flavored goo was not only natural, but hyper-realistic. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of those TMNT Pies.
So in a way, they’re still with us. Just as your favorite retired ’90s snack foods are still with all of you.
Well, the magic harp’s strings are starting to bleed again, which means it’s time for me to go. Remember to leave your questions here in the comments, or tweet them at @IncredibleCulk with the hashtag #AskMack. There’s definitely an infinitesimal chance I’ll have someone read them to me.
Your snackin’ pal,
*Sung through an interlacing maze of pipes spreading through my futuristic maze house like an ant farm. Song painstakingly tabulated by Tom Reimann.
Image: Bunny Ears