It can be difficult to set aside time in our busy lives for the activities that fulfill and empower us, like working out, meditating, and exacting subtle psychological revenge on those who have wronged us. Luckily, the ancient Chinese practice of Tai Chi combines all three into the ultimate fitness package. The low-impact workout reduces stress through a series of fluid motions that clear away negative air and send pillowy tufts of stink at any enemies who happen to be standing downwind from you, leaving you feeling both relaxed and accomplished.
Follow the below steps to harness the power of your qi (pronounced “chi”) no matter which hole it may try to escape from.
Warm Up
Proper breathing and centering are essential to a successful practice. As with any martial art, it’s not about showing off, but about maintaining peaceful control over an open mind and butthole. Stand with your feet shoulder-width apart. Place your hand a few inches below your belly button. Push in lightly. Not too hard, though! You want to save your ammunition. Breathe deeply, and be mindful of the as-yet-untainted air entering your lungs.
Beginner Posture
Turn your toes slightly in. Soften your knees. You should feel an awakening in your gut, as if broccoli cheddar soup became sentient and ate a bean burrito. That is your qi. Tuck your hips, then locate your target. (Fool! They have no idea what you’re about to rhythmically sweep their way).
Raising Power
Rub your hands together, then slowly pull them apart. Draw them in again, pausing before they make contact. Feel the energy generated between your hands as you cycle through the motions, then repeat the process with your buttcheeks.
Horse
Stand with your feet wider than your hips, then squat as low as your knees allow. As you sink deeper into the posture, remain aware of your gut bullet so you can control when and how it is deployed. For many beginners, it may slip out on the first squat. Simply center yourself, clench, and try again.
Single Whip
Make a “beak hand” by facing your palm downward and angling your four fingers softly toward the thumb. Extend one leg out in front of you, turn to the side, and let’er rip as your beak hand lithely pushes the air infected by your fart forward toward your adversary. Retain composure as you watch the nasal devastation crawl across the face of your rival.
Brush Knee
This is a somewhat advanced move for when two or more opponents flank you on either side and you know you’ve only got one good windbreaker inside of you. Center your weight. Arms out to the side, turn the right palm toward the sky as you raise your arm. Simultaneously turn the left palm face down as you float it downward. Step forward, turning your torso and moving your arms like an elegant stench turbine. Your opponents will be rendered helpless.
As with any new exercise, practice makes perfect. You will be rewarded with lower stress levels and attunement with your internal energy—energy that is going to come out one way or another and may as well be weaponized.
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