How to Deliver A Toast That’s Actually The Culmination of A 20-Year Revenge Scheme
Guys, wedding speeches are the worst, am I right? We’ve all had to sit through some mediocre, if not humiliating, toasts throughout the years, and I’m sure we’ll have to sit through many more. Fortunately, my toast won’t be one of them, as- believe it or not- it’s the culmination of a 20 year revenge scheme!
You know how we all have that guy (or gal) in your life that really made your youth a living hell? That guy is my “friend” Roy, who stole the teddy bear out of my sister’s room exactly twenty years ago, causing her to leave the house to find it and eventually freeze to death that night in the forest. From that day forward, I drove myself to become a successful entrepreneur and mogul, accruing enough money to completely sink into a decades-spanning scheme that would ruin Roy’s life as well. In a few minutes, it’ll all be worth it, and I’ll let Roy know that his pregnant wife is actually the woman who put him up for adoption when she was 14 years old!
However, before I completely ruin the lives of Roy and his loved ones, I realize that there are so many people out there who want to ruin the lives of their enemies, too, especially at something as sacred as their nuptials. So it’s only fair that I share my expertise in the art of cruel, calculated revenge to all of you so that you, too, can give a wedding toast that shatters the fiber of someone’s reality.
Step 1: Lay The Groundwork
Set the stage for Roy to meet his bride. Perhaps your Roy is attracted to brunettes? Convince his mother to dye her hair. Whatever your Roy is into, make sure his mother fills that role, and make sure he does not know she is his mother. I do not know how to concoct a revenge scheme that does not involve convincing a man to marry his mother, but I’m sure those exist as well.
Step 2: Find A Creepy Metaphor
Like all good toasts at the wedding, the revelation of your revenge plot should begin with a story or, possibly, an allegory. Maybe some ancient fable about a greedy community with a dried-up well or guy who worships sheep who forgets about a wolf or something; something that’s just out-of-place and macabre enough to set an uneasy tone. Eventually, you can merge this story to the real life counterpart, explaining how you removed all environmental variables in order to get to this moment. It’s also important to maintain eye contact with the groom; you don’t want him scrolling through Instagram as you’re readying your devastation.
Step 3: Keep It Funny
Now, as things really start to get intense, you might risk getting into a scrap with an overly-sensitive family member or, worse, removed by venue security. In order to make sure your speech remains uninterrupted, keep your tone as humorous as possible while wearing a fairly sizeable grin. If you can convince the people around you that this is just a darkly comical speech that will lead to a big laugh, you will buy enough time to really sink your hooks into your target. You can also pepper in some embarrassing or scandalous facts about the soon-to-be-victim to prove that you know more than you’re letting on, and also, fuck that guy. Peppering in jokes will ensure that when you finally reveal your plot, the wedding guests will be sufficiently shocked. Some people might say that setting someone up to marry his own mother is shocking enough, but I am not one of those people.
Step 4: Reveal Your Plot And Savor The Moment
Once it all starts to sink in, you have to really drive the point home for anyone who might be lost in the weeds. Explain everything step-by-step to the audience, emphasizing how the groom and/or bridge played into every part of the plan like the fool they are. At this point, the reception is probably going to treat you like a hostile, so be sure to do something spontaneous and unpredictable like undressing or jumping on a table, all the while hammering the fact that you’re an evil genius, they’re paying dearly for the actions of their youth, and you have won the day definitively.
Step 5: Wrap It Up
If the audience hasn’t torn you to pieces or if the groom hasn’t beaten you to death with their bare hands, wrap up your speech with a little victory celebration. Most people get the best results with an ironic toast to the future, while some might go with a joke that errs towards the tasteless. However, for you overachievers out there, this is a great time to reveal that your wedding gift was something crazy, like nerve gas or a rabid animal or something. Personally, I prefer to give them a really great and practical wedding gift, just so that, anytime they go to use it, they’d remember the time I spent most of my life hatching a dastardly conspiracy against them. It’s the gift that keeps on giving someone PTSD!