Surprise Your Loved Ones With This Very Special Yule Log

December 19, 2018 by
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Hey jerks! We’ve all come to expect certain standards on Christmas Eve either with your family or at the company holiday party: Store-bought sugar cookies, chalky cocoa powder mixed with lukewarm water, and of course, the ever-present Yule log crackling on a TV somewhere because the only people who can afford real fireplaces sold their souls long ago and thus tend to avoid religious celebrations. But what if you could spice it up this year? What if you could turn all that mild holiday cheer and family togetherness or whatever into confusion and horrified laughter?

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Well, good news! Bunny Ears and me, classically trained ballet dancer Macaulay Culkin, proudly present: The Hawkins Family Yule Log. At first, it appears to be your average Netflix-approved Yule log. But then slowly, horrifically, weird things start to happen. Your first clue is when a dog walks by. Hey, there’s no dogs in the Yule log! Save that shit for the puppy bowl! Then a woman walks in with a tray of cookies, trips, and knocks herself out cold. That’s just the beginning of the confusing, hilarious holiday hijinks.

Imagine the look on your sister’s face when two children start playing William Tell with a BB gun and accidentally shatter Grandpa’s ashes that were once resting in peace on top of the mantle. Imagine the cackles of your favorite coworker when they notice the girl pick up a mysterious glowing book that’s fallen out of the fireplace and then become possessed by it. If they even notice, that is. It’s entirely possible that they’ll just keep sipping their nog and photocopying their butts while the horrified family slays the possessed girl, tries to burn her body, and her head rolls shrieking out of the fireplace. After all, who pays attention to the Yule log?

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Your parents might disown you, but you’ll be totally in with your cool cousins, and it’s probably not legal to fire you for making the whole office do a spit-take at the arrival of the scorpion bats. (Check your contract, just in case.) (Yes, there are scorpion bats.) Tell your grandma to chill out—Jesus shows up to save the day. It’s honestly more pious than that Rankin-Bass Rudolph movie or whatever secular bullshit she was gonna put on. There’s even an “immaculate conception”! Just don’t tell her it involves a mother and her son.

Whatever the occasion, The Hawkins Family Yule Log is sure to be a hit at your holiday celebration. Just remember that any other hits that might occur as a result are your responsibility and yours alone.

We’ve posted the full video above and a link to the trailer right here. Merry Christmas, dweebs!


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4 Comments

  1. If I could pop this puppy on the TV I would. There’s some children that are quite enamored with the Yule log. It will be a new learning moment in their lives.

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