bunnyears

…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….

I’m The Director Of Merch For Bunny Ears, And They Made Me Eat The Whole Thing

One time. I said “I love doughnuts” one time. It was a simple, off-the-cuff remark. I don’t show up at the Bunny Ears office wearing doughnut t-shirts. I don’t throw doughnut parties. One time, I happened to express a perfectly normal admiration for doughnuts while eating a doughnut at the office, and Mack overheard it. Suddenly, I’m “Doughnut Boy.”

Every day, it’s “Hey, Doughnut Boy, you eat any good doughnuts lately?” or “Hey, Doughnut Boy, we’re ordering food for lunch. Do you want anything? Before you ask, they don’t have doughnuts.” I don’t know if Mack does this to everyone he meets or if there was something about me that invited him to project this identity onto me. His nicknames for the other Bunny Ears staff certainly seem more thoughtful. When he learned one writer lives in Alberta, he started calling him “Birney” after Earle Birney, a notable Canadian poet.

“Someday, you’ll be remembered alongside him as one of the great literary minds of Calgary, Alberta,” Mack said.

“What’s the most doughnuts you ever ate at once?” he asked me. “Was it 100?”

Mack was in Denver for a few days—he said he wanted to cliff dive at Casa Bonita, which they insisted this was a liability issue—and he asked me to show him around. “Hey, Doughnut Boy. I bet you know all the great doughnut spots in town. What’s your favorite doughnut?”

DON’T MISS:  Surprise Your Loved Ones With This Very Special Yule Log

Now, in retrospect, I realize that having an answer so readily prepared did nothing to distance myself from the identity he’d crafted in his mind. But I couldn’t help it: The Old Dirty Bastard at Voodoo Doughnut is the best that a doughnut can be. A raised doughnut topped with chocolate frosting, crumbled Oreos, and peanut butter, it is the standard by which all doughnuts would be judged if it wasn’t obvious that they would all fall laughably short. [Portland-born editor’s note: The Voodoo Doll is clearly superior.]

I said all of this to Mack. “Classic Doughnut Boy,” he chuckled to himself.

When we arrived at Voodoo Doughnut, it was clear that Mack had, unbeknownst to me, made preparations in advance. They were waiting for us with three large boxes. The first, to my immense joy, was filled to the brim with ODBs, that beautiful, perfect treat. The second contained an enormous doughnut bearing our site’s logo. In the third was a massive doughnut brandished with an eerily accurate representation of Mack’s face. It was much larger than any human head and weighed several pounds. When Mack saw this, he laughed in a way that felt strange at the time. It was a wicked laugh, a harsh winter gale snapping dry branches.

DON’T MISS:  Finding Myself: Why I Joined A Gang Of Sewer-Dwelling Martial Artists

His laughter echoed still, somewhere in the marrow of my bones, the wrongness of it haunting me as we drove in silence to the hotel. I pulled up to the door, and he exited, leaving behind those towering boxes, that terrible obelisk. I called out “Mack, don’t forget your donuts!” That cruel laughter, but brief this time; the bark of a dog’s last unheeded warning before its jaws close around your throat.

“Your donuts. Eat them, Doughnut Boy. Eat them all.”

You Might Also Like

A Crystal Dildo And My Office Chair Increased My Productivity So Much

I can get so much done now!

Read More

Spa Treatments Perfect For After Long Days Of Sexual Harassment

Scrub off dead skin cells AND all those disgusting comments you heard today.

Read More

Sober Karaoke And Other Socially Disgusting Ideas For Your Office Party

Ain’t no party like an office party ’cause an office party is necessary to your livelihood! At the Bunny Ears office, we have an office party every 15 minutes to boost morale, consisting of an IV cleanse and a mandatory meditation seminar. For those of you who don’t work at the healthiest place on Earth, here…

Read More
No Comments Yet

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Stalk Us

Video of the Week

We’re Back, Baby! Take THAT, Sawa!