Help! My Inner Voice Sounds Like Emilio Estevez From ‘Young Guns’
I guess some people would call me lucky, given my situation. Most folks who suffer from constant auditory hallucinations don’t get celebrities. Not me. I’m stuck with the voice of William H. Bonney, better known as Billy the Kid, as portrayed by Emilio Estevez in the 1988 film Young Guns. This is my story.
I’ll never forget the night at the movies that forever changed my world. It was 1988, and the premiere of Young Guns was all anyone in my town was talking about. It was like the second coming of Christ—Kiefer Sutherland, Lou Diamond Phillips, Jack Palance, and TWO Esteveses in a gunslingin’ Wild West romp for the ages? Sign me the fuck up, I thought. How I wish I hadn’t.
More importantly, how I wish I hadn’t allowed myself to be coerced into taking an extreme dose of LSD before attending the film on that fateful August night. “This’ll amp things up!” my friend Roy told me. “Even if the movie is garbage, we’ll have a great time!” he said.
Unfortunately, it turns out I had too many drugs in my system to handle the cinematic experience. My eyes darted towards the screen and were met with the roguish grin of Emilio Estevez staring directly into my soul. I then heard his deep, reverberating voice come not from the screen, but from the pit of my own flesh and bone:
“Reap the whirlwind, Brady. Reap it.”
A rifle shot rang out in the night. All faded to black.
When I came to, I was lying on the sidewalk outside an emergency care facility with a note on my hand that read, “I’m all fucked up, help me!” (Classic Roy.) I thought I had made it to the other side of my acid trip and emerged unscathed. I counted my blessings as I pulled myself together. But then, the voice.
“Hey, Colonel Shithead.”
I froze in terror.
“You can kiss my ass. Get President Hayes down here, then we’ll come out. We’ll see how they like that one.”
I frantically looked around, desperate to find an Emilio Estevez impersonator lurking in the hospital parking lot. No such luck.
“Who are you? What do you want from me? I don’t even remember hearing that quote in the movie!” I screamed towards the very heavens that had damned me to this new madness.
The voice laughed harshly and spoke again.
“Please, Dick. It’s getting cold. I could’ve killed you, Dick. I could’ve killed you, but I don’t want to kill you. I want to eat.”
It was then that I realized that I, too, was a little chilly and incredibly hungry. The voice was me. To this day, I have only experienced two scarier meals at a Waffle House.
It’s been 31 years since that night, and Emilio has never left. I’ve developed an uneasy alliance with him, and some days are definitely better than others. On the toilet, he tells me about how Charley Crawford ain’t with me anymore. In church, he tells me he’d sure like to touch the gun that’s gonna kill Billy the Kid. When I’m checking IMDB to see if Emilio Estevez can still be considered a working actor, he tells me he’ll make me famous (sure, bro).
To any adventurous cinephiles who may be reading this: Don’t roll the dice with drugs to enhance your silver screen experiences, lest you become plagued by the voice of whoever the current equivalent of Emilio Estevez is right now.
Billy the Kid, however, would like me to tell you that he likes your odds.
Image: Pexels, Twentieth Century Fox