Pressed Juices To Spit-Take When Your Doctor Says You Have The Clap

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If you’re anything like me, once a year you, your vagina, and your freshly bleached asshole find yourselves spread-eagle at the OBGYN for a good old pap smear. I dunno, just something quirky I do to keep things interesting! And if you’re anything more like me, that means once a year you have to put on an Oscar-worthy performance when your doctor delivers the news: You have the clap.

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Fine, I’ll bite. “Say it ain’t so, doc! Are you sure those are my results you’re reading? It just doesn’t add up!”

But why repeat the same dry, boring monologue year after year when you could be having some fun with it? Consider adding a spit-take to your performance to add flare and fun for both you and your doctor. We here at Bunny Ears have ranked the best organic fresh-pressed juices to surprise your medical professional with the next time he or she “surprises” you with a gonorrhea diagnosis.

Cold-Pressed Watermelon

For a simple, summery feel all over Dr. Mulligan’s unsuspecting face, consider a mouthful of cold-pressed watermelon juice. Allow it to wash over her just as the “news” of your STD washes over you. You’re both going to need a minute to collect yourselves, and that’s perfectly okay!

Kale, Pineapple, Lemon, and Raw Ginger Blend

There’s no reason not to splurge on your special day. Treat yourself and your gyno to a green juice blend. It might feel like an expensive choice for something that’s ultimately going to be soaked up by paper towels and thrown into the same trash can as your special cervical Q-tip, but nothing will match your “shock” quite like a lemon-ginger tingle and the bitter aftertaste of kale. Send your doctor the message that you may have made a few bad decisions in the past, but you’re investing in your health from here on out!

Pomegranate Cleanse

Don’t be afraid to play with a little color! Metaphorically detox the questionable sexual choices of your past with this antioxidant-rich treat. And remember: Pomegranate juice stains are tough to get out, meaning they’ll leave a lasting impression on your doctor—just like how this Brand New Information will leave a lasting impression on you and your life choices going forward.

Actual Semen

Okay, this last one may not be a pressed juice per say, but much like juice, it’s best when fresh! Maybe, for consent reasons, avoid getting this one directly on your doctor (but be sure to cause just as much of a spectacle). Spray it all over that room like you’re Jackson Pollock and the office is your canvas. Leave no room for doubt that you are, in fact, spitting out the sperm of a human man. Use it as a moment of transparency with your doctor and, most importantly, yourself. You have the clap, and while this is definitely new to you, you’re proud.

We hope this list helps make your Groundhog Day-like diagnosis a little more fun, flirty, and flavorful. And much like the world’s endless supply of sexual partners with gonorrhea, you’ll never run out of options.

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Anya Volz: Anya Volz is a New York City based comedian, writer and Croc-wearer. She has written for websites you have heard of as well as ones you have not. She is not available for comment about her mildly successful One Direction blog in 2012.

View Comments (1)

  • Well done,, sent this to my wife who is a PA and has tp break the "news" to people about their various STDs every day