Um, I Got A Vampire Facial, But Bullets Still Seem To Hurt Me?

Is this why people aren’t doing this anymore? I know Kim Kardashian and some other people got them, but this doesn’t feel right. The procedure itself was fairly painless, but the rest really makes me think that maybe it’s-

[Editors Note: Brian Gilmore was not available to finish this article because he is currently under critical condition for a veritable bevy gunshot wounds after offering to “help” with what looks to be at least six separate hostage negotiations in one day.]