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…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
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…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
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…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…

Color Of The Month: Dandelion (In Memoriam)

dandelion color

Hi Everyone! I’m Dandelion, but you can call me Dan D., and I’m your Color of the Month! (In Memoriam)

That’s right, I don’t exist anymore, according to Crayola. According to my former employer, I “retired” last year. Bullshit. I was replaced, after 27 years of dedicated service to the crayon industry, by some young little twit, fresh off the conveyor belt wearing polka dot leggings and too much mascara.

dandelion color
“Oooh, look at me, I’m blue; I’m everyone’s favorite color!”

They call her “Bluetiful”. I mean, could you possibly be any more boring? I don’t buy her cute and innocent persona for one second, either. Behind closed doors these new crayons are all the same – cutthroat social climbers playing office politics who would do anything to get ahead. I wonder who she had to screw to get the gig anyway. Because I can tell you one thing, she didn’t work her way up slowly from the 152-pack to the 8-pack by keeping her head down and her nose the grindstone like I did!

dandelion color
Can you see the pain behind my eyes?

But according to Crayola, I was perfectly happy to retire and was contractually obligated to announce my excitement about it in what is essentially a hostage video, proclaiming retirement to be “my wildest adventure yet”. Then they have the gall to send me off on an humiliating “retirement tour” around the country while they help Little Miss Bluetiful get nice and cozy in my old digs back at Crayola headquarters. Did they think I wouldn’t see what they were doing? Putting me in the public eye and getting me out of town so I wouldn’t make a big stink?

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dandelion color
Not as innocent as she looks.

 

dandelion color
I see you, Bluetiful. I see right through you.

Also according to Crayola, the real reason for my termination was based on “countless” reports by female crayons to HR of alleged “sexual harassment” over the course of my career. To avoid a huge PR scandal they thought it was better to just let me go without warning, telling me I was lucky no one was pressing charges. It’s ludicrous. (We were shoved inside a box together, how would I possibly be able to avoid touching you, Burnt Sienna?!)

dandelion color
I was in the primary color of my life.

Listen, I was really good at my job – I was Color Of The Year eight years in a row, Ambassador of Creativity to several third world countries in the mid 90’s, and, oh yeah – I cured AIDS! I bet you didn’t know that! Yeah, Crayola doesn’t talk about that because those backward hypocritical corporate fucks won’t broach the subject of sex let alone homosexuality with kids, but YEAH I LITERALLY CURED AIDS. It wasn’t even in my job description but I did it because it needed to be done. But all your contributions to society go out the window when you make ONE inappropriate comment about how sexy it would be to see Wild Watermelon and Razzmatazz make out. What’s the big deal? It totally would! They are two beautiful colors! It’s a compliment!

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dandelion color
This sketch of my coworkers was also meant to be a compliment. They didn’t love it, but I was like, hey, I’m not a professional artist! Leave that to the customers!

I had a lot of time to think out there on my retirement tour. And while I was high on mescaline out in the desert I had a revelation. I am worth more than this. I AM THE MOST ACCOMPLISHED AND IMPORTANT COLOR IN THE CRAYOLA PANTHEON AND I REFUSE TO ALLOW MY LEGACY TO BE DEFILED. I am not going to take this lying down on the playroom floor with my paper half ripped off and my tip worn to a nub! I am ready to take back what is rightfully mine. I’m announcing right here on Bunny Ears that I demand my reinstatement!

CONSIDER THIS MY MANIFESTO.

dandelion color
You will all burn for what you’ve done.

Crayola CEO and President Mike Perry, Bluetiful, and the world at large – HEAR ME NOW. If every Bluetiful in every box of crayons in every Walmart, Target and other major retailer across this great nation is not replaced with Dandelion by the end of the day I am going to begin to release extremely sensitive materials about the Crayola company. I have seen things, from the factory to the boardroom, that would make your head spin. I’ve got dirt on some of their biggest stars and key players. Do they really want me to spill to the media what I saw going down between Cerulean, Fuschia, and Goldenrod in the hot tub at the company retreat in Cabo in ‘98? I HAVE FOOTAGE. Or the secret affair that produced a love child between Yellow Green and Sky Blue and the secret lawyer meetings to negotiate the hush money and coverup? (Beige, the poor idiot, still thinks the baby is his even though it obviously looks NOTHING like him.) This is just the tip of the iceberg, people. Do they really want me to tell you WHAT CRAYONS ARE REALLY MADE OF? I can and will destroy this company if my demands are not met. The clock is ticking, my Bluetifuls. See you in Hell.

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Sincerely,

dandelion color

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4 Comments
  1. I usually just sort of mildly enjoy your work, Kelly. I get a chuckle or two out of it, which is what I’m reading for, but I’ve never really laughed aloud at it. This one’s different–very different. I laughed so hard I think a little bit of poo may have slipped out. This is just fantastic.

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