Ladies, you know how sometimes when you see the youthful effervescent beauty of a Disney Princess you sigh and think I bet I could kick her ass? If your natural response to the appearance of Cinderella’s castle is to take out your earrings don’t worry, you’re not alone.
We all wish we could be transported to a magical realm with just the eleven official Disney Princess, a big old cage, and no rules. If this golden opportunity ever falls into your lap it’s important to know which Disney Princess you could beat in a cage match, because you might need to choose who to fight quickly! Luckily I’ve crunched the numbers for you.
You know you don’t want to take on anyone with magic powers giving them an unfair advantage, so that eliminates Cinderella and Snow White. They both have control over birds and no one wants to fuck with birds, especially not in a cage match. That’s their turf. There’s also Rapunzel who has magic healing hair that she can use to clothesline you, so she’s out.
You’re also going to want to eliminate Ariel right way. You’d think being part fish would give her a disadvantage but swimming is pretty much the best possible exercise and that’s all she does all day. She probably has the core strength of John Cena. Plus, if she ever managed to hit you with her tail that would be a finishing move. Your spine would be crushed to dust. Don’t mess with Ariel.
Bell is probably the next most dangerous Disney princess. Knowledge can be just as deadly as physical strength. Who’s to say there were no books on how to perfect a diving double ax handle in the beasts library? Bell probably knows nine ways to kill a man with a sentient teacup. Hard pass.
Maybe you could take on Pocahontas? I mean she only had to hunt deer with pretty much just her bare hands to eat. Do you think you’re stronger than a deer whose life is flashing before its eyes? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
Then there’s Sleeping Beauty. Don’t even get me started on her. That girl is crazy. Who touches a spindle? She goes her whole life without seeing a spindle and then the first time she sees one she pokes it so viciously she bleeds? It’s obviously sharp, any sane human would just not touch it. Not Sleeping Beauty though, because she’s crazy and you can’t fight crazy.
Lightening round. Jasmines best friend is a literal tiger, it doesn’t get more metal than that. Mulan’s whole thing is being able to Longquan sword dudes in the face. Tiana has worked two jobs pretty much her entire life and she’s a chef. All that stirring gives chefs insane upper body strength. Any chef on earth could own you in arm wrestling, including Ina Garten. Trust me I know from experience. That just leaves Merida and didn’t she defeat a bear with the power of love? The power of love is almost as effective as a delayed vertical suplex.
I guess the only reasonable solution is you couldn’t beat a Disney Princess in a cage match. To try would be foolish. You are made of pastry doe and good intentions. Disney Princesses are forged in fire.
[Editor’s Note: Elsa and Anna are not official Disney Princesses, and neither is Moana. We know, we were shocked too. Don’t @ us.]
IMAGE: Photo on Foter.com