Hogwarts Sex: Where You’ll Get It On, According To The Zodiac

January 15, 2020 by , featured in Horoscopes, Our Favorite Articles
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By now, you surely know that Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry could just as well be called Hogwarts School of Sex and Some Magic We Guess. We’re pretty sure J.K. Rowling wrote an entire unpublished history about all the sex that’s been had in that castle, which raises the question: Where would you, dear reader, bang it out in the infamous Hogwarts School of All The Fucking, according to your star sign?


On the moving staircase. You might have the vitality of 1,000 phoenixes, but you also like doing as little as possible. Energy conservation is key, and those moving staircases will pretty much do the job for you, Sagittarius. In any position.



The Chamber Of Secrets. You are dark and mysterious, and you secretly wish you were a basilisk. Hell, maybe you are! That might explain why you talk so funny. Hey, at least you have the tongue thing going for you.


The Black Lake (With The Merpeople). You don’t give a fuck, Aquarius. You’ll do it underwater all day. Everyone knows those merpeople love their orgies, and so do you.


The Hospital Wing. Probably because you were humping a Sagittarius on a moving staircase. That’s just not your style, Pisces, but a hospital bed sure is! Try some wizard drugs while you’re at it.


The Trophy Room: You’re all about winning, Aries. Most of those trophies are probably yours anyway. Try lasting more than a minute, okay?


The Forbidden Forest. Yeah, where the centaur colony lives. And the spiders. We’re not saying those things are related. We’re just saying.


The Slytherin Common Room. Oh, we know you’re actually a Gryffindor, and that’s exactly why you’ll want to do it in the quarters of your house nemesis. You probably won’t clean up after yourself, either. Ten points to those dirty Gryffindors.


Um … Your zodiac symbol is a crab, so we guess on top of some rock? We’ve never seen a Cancer fuck, and we’re pretty sure the sign doesn’t exist in the Wizarding World.


Moaning Myrtle’s Bathroom. So someone can be louder than you for once.


The Quidditch Field. You like having rules, but there’s no rule saying what you can and cannot do with a broomstick and a golden snitch, Virgo. If it doesn’t work out, rest assured that there are wizard drugs in the hospital wing.


Hagrid’s Cabin. It doesn’t have to be with Hagrid, but it doesn’t have to not be with Hagrid, either. He is half-giant, you know.


Dumbledore’s Office. Snape’s office would be sooo predictable, and as we all know, Dumbledore is the minister of magic sex. You’ll have sex in the sexiest office of the sexiest wizard. Well done, Scorpio. Well done.

Images: Warner Bros., Flickr

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  1. As an Aries, I approve of this message! I AM THE WINNINGEST F***** IN ALL OF HOGWARTS!!! Wait . . . . Does Hogwarts mean what I think it means? Hmmm . . . if you’ll excuse me, I have some business at 356 7th St . . . .

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