Hogwarts Sex: Where You’ll Get It On, According To The Zodiac

June 1, 2019 by , featured in Horoscopes
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By now, you surely know that Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry could just as well be called Hogwarts School of Sex and Some Magic We Guess. We’re pretty sure J.K. Rowling wrote an entire unpublished history about all the sex that’s been had in that castle, which raises the question: Where would you, dear reader, bang it out in the infamous Hogwarts School of All The Fucking, according to your star sign?

Sagittarius

On the moving staircase. You might have the vitality of 1,000 phoenixes, but you also like doing as little as possible. Energy conservation is key, and those moving staircases will pretty much do the job for you, Sagittarius. In any position.

 

Capricorn

The Chamber Of Secrets. You are dark and mysterious, and you secretly wish you were a basilisk. Hell, maybe you are! That might explain why you talk so funny. Hey, at least you have the tongue thing going for you.

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Aquarius

The Black Lake (With The Merpeople). You don’t give a fuck, Aquarius. You’ll do it underwater all day. Everyone knows those merpeople love their orgies, and so do you.

Pisces

The Hospital Wing. Probably because you were humping a Sagittarius on a moving staircase. That’s just not your style, Pisces, but a hospital bed sure is! Try some wizard drugs while you’re at it.

Aries

The Trophy Room: You’re all about winning, Aries. Most of those trophies are probably yours anyway. Try lasting more than a minute, okay?

Taurus

The Forbidden Forest. Yeah, where the centaur colony lives. And the spiders. We’re not saying those things are related. We’re just saying.

Gemini

The Slytherin Common Room. Oh, we know you’re actually a Gryffindor, and that’s exactly why you’ll want to do it in the quarters of your house nemesis. You probably won’t clean up after yourself, either. Ten points to those dirty Gryffindors.

Cancer

Um … Your zodiac symbol is a crab, so we guess on top of some rock? We’ve never seen a Cancer fuck, and we’re pretty sure the sign doesn’t exist in the Wizarding World.

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Leo

Moaning Myrtle’s Bathroom. So someone can be louder than you for once.

Virgo

The Quidditch Field. You like having rules, but there’s no rule saying what you can and cannot do with a broomstick and a golden snitch, Virgo. If it doesn’t work out, rest assured that there are wizard drugs in the hospital wing.

Libra

Hagrid’s Cabin. It doesn’t have to be with Hagrid, but it doesn’t have to not be with Hagrid, either. He is half-giant, you know.

Scorpio

Dumbledore’s Office. Snape’s office would be sooo predictable, and as we all know, Dumbledore is the minister of magic sex. You’ll have sex in the sexiest office of the sexiest wizard. Well done, Scorpio. Well done.

Images: Warner Bros., Flickr


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