Podcast Episode 16: Desert Island Delectables (Annotated)
Hi, I’m Craig The Intern, and they make me transcribe these every week. Everything’s going great so far! Especially because I’m definitely not on a desert island and this non-sunburn doesn’t hurt at all, except maybe a little.
Stew is back from Las Vegas, in Bexley, Ohio, which he wants to clarify has a large Jewish population, and has a problem with awesomeness and putting “the” in front of too many words. This week’s theme is Desert Island: if you’re stuck on an island, what and who would you bring with you? If you pick a band, they have to come live with you and cohabitate. But that doesn’t guarantee they’d hang out with you. You might be the Craig the Intern of the bunch. Matt picks either Phish or a Phish cover band, for his island Jewtopia. But when Mack brings up Debbie Harry, the question becomes whether you pick a band you want to date, or one you just want to hear. This brings up Zack Attack again.
Next category is authors. Stephen King, for campfire tales? J.K. Rowling, to keep writing Harry Potter stories forever? Would it just be like the Chris Farley Show forever and ever? Nobody suggests the author of an island survival guide, which would get the Craig pick. Mack chooses Salinger and Hemingway, then realizes they’d both be insufferable.
If our three hosts were on an island together, what roles would they play? They agree on Moe, Larry, and Curly, but won’t say who’s who. That’s up for you audience members to guess. I guess. Am I Shemp?
The next category is filmmakers. Stew picks James Cameron, because of his marine biology and deep submarine experience that might help get off the island. Tarantino and Weinstein are out because of their fetishes (though the non-potted plants might be safe). Miyazaki would keep to himself and create artwork. Michael Bay would be a good choice if you give up on life and want to go out in an explosion. Mack and Matt gradually start to realize all Stew’s choices are about leaving the island, rather than keeping to the premise of being stuck there.
What animal would you bring? Their pets, of course. Stew has a bear-fighting dog named Steve. Mack wants a baby bear that stays a baby forever and hunts boars. Matt wants a polar bear, because Lost. Probably. But how would he control it? Keeping the bear’s wife and kid hostage, apparently. Falcor from The Neverending Story is mentioned, as is WWE Universal champ Brock Lesnar.
Favorite Muppets: would Animal bring you bandages if you need them? Kermit might be more helpful. Is there a doctor Muppet? Dr. Teeth may not have an actual doctorate. Fozzie and Rowlf are favorites.
What about celebrities who aren’t Muppets? Mack’s first pick is Jesus, but more for the conversation than the miracles. Matt wants Les Stroud from Survivorman, for purely practical reasons. Stew figures that since he didn’t get tired of Barack Obama after 8 years, he might not get tired of him on an island. The danger of bringing a celebrity crush is that the band you brought might get to date her instead
What two movies would you take? Mack sticks up for Josie and the Pussycats. Matt wants the complete works of adult actress Riley Reid. Stew wants both Godfather and Life of Brian. Stew’s inability to attach images to emails or find porn online leads to a discussion of Playboy and their short-lived elimination of nudity. Then there’s some nostalgia for Maxim, Stuff, and FHM.
Comic-book characters? And they can’t take you off the island. Matt wants Emma Frost. Mack wants to bring Wolverine just to torture him because he’ll live many years on that island by himself forever; plus he can hunt. Stew suggests Mystique would be the best woman to pick because she can be anyone, and also she can create some entertaining dischord.. Matt then notes that Dr. Manhattan can make anything, so he’d be the best. (But he’ll only do it if that’s how it happens, guys.)
Which Culkin would you bring? Nobody picks Mack.
Type of weapon? Stew wants a medieval ax. Mack would take a vibrator with batteries (but would Jesus approve?). Matt briefly considers a lightsaber, but then decides on the band Weapon of Choice. As everyone sums up all their choices and we realize just how populated—and how pervy–their hypothetical islands would be, Matt challenges readers to draw the islands and submit them via email for feature on this very site here. Stick around after the end theme, as usual, to hear some listener voicemail feedback, including a killer Mack impersonation this week. I really thought it might be him. Or Matt. Sometimes I get confused.
12:37-13:40 The benefits of having Dobby the House Elf on a desert island.
37:46-39:30 The Desert Island Dating Game, with hypothetical contestant Anna Kendrick and suitor#1 Stew.
44:50- 45:26 A scholarly analysis of whether or not Wolverine can breathe underwater.
ICYMI last week, this is “Zack Attack” from TV’s Saved by the Bell, featuring the guys’ perennial fictional crush Kelly Kapowski:
The Chris Farley Show was a recurring bit on Saturday Night Live with guest celebrities that generally went something like this:
Yes, there was a Muppet doctor…and it was Rowlf!
And this is Les Stroud, Survivorman:
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Image: Flickr/Ronald Saunders
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