Ew. You Still Poop?

Where are you going? To the bathroom? But we already touched up our translucent powder. Sit down—the appetizers will be here any second. Why? Why do you have to go to the bathroom? Excuse me? You have to what? You have to what?!

Ew.

Are you still eating trans fats? Look me in the eye and tell me you’re not still eating trans fats. Well, I can’t think of what other reason your body might be rebelling in this way. If you’re living a properly clean and sustainable lifestyle, your body shouldn’t need to do that anymore.

Yes. None of us poop. Yes, really, Vanessa. When did you do it last? Don’t be coy, I watched your entire baby get born on Periscope. (I’m sorry. I know how ashamed you are that Periscope has since gone out of style.) It should be like, 2012, right? That was when we all went vegan, dairy-free, and gluten-free. Well, it was actually 2011 for me, but I was an early adopter.

It’s kind of upsetting that I have to explain basic biology to you, but poop is just your body’s waste, so if you don’t ingest anything that your body can’t use, there’s nothing to evacuate. Therefore, once you cut out all toxins and added sugars and also have enough money, you stop pooping. It’s just what healthy, responsible people do once they reach a certain age and bank account balance. If I can speak my truth for a moment, I think you’re being kind of selfish.

Have you considered what you’re doing to the environment? All that clean water that you’re literally flushing down the toilet, contaminated by your waste, just so you can live … the way you do? Seriously, what is it? Is it red dyes? Are you just, like, sneaking into the kitchen in the middle of the night and chugging red dye like some kind of animal? You could have at least committed to our no-poop camp diet if you were going to insist on being such a pleb. Honestly, you disgust me.

I’m sorry if I’ve made brunch weird, but I feel like it’s important for us to be open and honest and sit with each other’s lived experiences, and my lived experience is that you’re a literal sack of shit. But I believe you can get better. Just stop being such a child and consuming anything that isn’t pure energy, and you can at least halt the damage you’ve done to the planet, to your body, and to me (for making me think about your gross poop). With time, we can all heal.

Okay, fine, go.

Image: Pexels