Interior Decorating Tips For Anyone Living In The Hollowed-Out Carcass Of A Bear
You survived the crash. You found enough food to survive. You even killed the bear and hollowed it out to use as a shelter. But now, after eight long months alone in the woods, it’s clear that no rescue is coming. That means it’s time to start turning the bear carcass into a home. Here are just a few ways to maximize your space within the bowels of the beast!
1. Paint the Small Intestine a Lighter Color
Mix up some paint using various berries and muds to give your lower bear a little pop. Lighter colors, like taupe and eggshell, will make a small intestine feel larger.
2. Don’t be Afraid to Remove the Arrows Piercing the Body of the Bear
It took you more than eight months to kill this bear, for he was a mighty brute, and it’s tempting for a lot of first-time bear owners to leave in all the arrows as a tribute to your long battle with such a worthy opponent. But floor space is valuable in the carcass of a bear, and there are other ways to honor his memory, such as creating a robe from his hide or throwing his paws in a river.
3. Use Area Rugs to Soften the Broken Pile of Rib Cage at the Center of the Bear’s Interior
When the boulder you pushed from high atop a cliff found its mark and finally conquered the mighty bear, it crushed his rib cage such that the floor of the carcass is a brittle, broken pile of bones. Obviously, everyone strives for a hard-bone floor, but it’s not as comfortable as it could be without an area rug or two.
4. Hang Decorative Mirrors—Unless You Loved the Bear
Granted, the bear was an opponent; a threat. It was kill or be killed. If you hold no emotional attachment, hanging decorative mirrors in the bear will make the space feel that much more expansive.
But if you gained a modicum of respect for the bear in the eight months you and he played your game of cat and mouse, you may have grown to love him, and he you. If that’s the case, don’t hang mirrors. You will hate yourself for killing the bear, and therefore punch the mirrors and cut your hand every time you catch your reflection.
5. Display a Hutch in the Muzzle
Chances are, your guests will enter the bear through the muzzle, so impress them with a hutch or end table. Then, use that second they spend admiring said hutch to attack. Bind this guest and ask him who he is, how long he’s been in these woods, why he keeps attacking your camp, and why he only comes at night.