Episode 15 – Bunnies Like Sex (Annotated)
Hi, I’m Craig The Intern, and they make me transcribe these every week. Everything’s going great so far!
The Guest: None.
Sex! Matt pitched an entire episode based on Power Rangers, or Ninja Turtles, but Mack had sex on the mind. They don’t know quite where to start on it, though, just that there’s a deep well of topics to be mined. So they look up the definition. Then Matt gets uncomfortable because he doesn’t like talking about his sex life, at least nowhere near as much as he likes to talk about recreational drug use and/or anime. And maybe his parents should stop listening at this point. Mack says he’s an open book talking about his “D.”
Matt’s not a prude, but this is a subject he doesn’t feel comfortable discussing, which is exactly why Mack is making him do it. First, though, there’s a side conversation about whether Olaf from Zoolander (not Frozen) should be called a midget or a Minion (“midget” is offensive. Minion, we’re not sure). And that Death to Smoochy is one of Matt’s favorite movies for some reason.
There’s a fine line between guys appreciating women onscreen and being misogynist, but both guys agree Josie and the Pussycats was prime Tara Reid. Then they argue about whether Thora Birch was in The NeverEnding Story or Dungeons and Dragons. WWE Divas of the Attitude Era were a source of sexual awakening for both guys, while Cheetara from ThunderCats and Esmeralda from Hunchback of Notre Dame were animated faves. The guys like women with skills, like playing music or basket weaving, and hope women feel the same about guys who have the skill of podcasting.
Matt’s household was very liberal but the topic of sex never really came up much, so it’s still weird. After discussing how both he and Mack never went through a “girls are yucky” phase, that segues into talk about Furries and “dogging.”
Is “The Talk” a TV thing? Neither Matt nor Mack had that conversation with their dad, and they wonder how exactly you talk to dads about boners, or if Mack actually has a perverted Uncle Bob who takes him down to the basement to have those conversation. Mack married the girl who took his virginity at 15, but not because he was pressured to, he swears. Matt has never been in a relationship, but has hooked up, sometimes with the same person over the course of a year or so. He refuses to give or compare numbers, but will say he lost his virginity at age 22 after being a weird teenager.
Mack self-describes as DTF.
Matt was late on the uptake with masturbation as well; despite getting boners from the age of 11, but he figured it out during high school while watching scrambled porn, and WWE magazine photos of Sable. Nude scenes from Boogie Nights and Go kept him going the next few years. But he has never been attracted to an anime character. Or has he?
Matt next spills bongwater on the mixing board as a distraction from talking about fetishes being sprung on him. Stew makes the save, wiping it up and even refilling the bong, in time to get the guys to say they don’t like face-punch or rape fetishes.
Also, the guys are total wusses about hearing other guys talk sex, having no desire to hear about conquests or potential conquests, or the getting of dicks into a wet state. It’s a bigger deal to be monogamous, because that is bucking evolution. But is even talking about sex the same thing as bragging? Naming animals that have sex with anything that moves is more fun.
The dudes shift to making fun of Stew, who is bald, while Matt claims to shave his own head. Then Matt tries to define the difference between dick jokes and sex jokes. Mainly that the latter don’t feature in the scripts he writes. Is “half your life plus seven” a good formula to decide what age you should date? (Depends on your age; Matt, of course, is 33).
Mack offers to be Mack’s wingman in a bar right now. Instead, they all talk about celebrity crushes, and Stew mainly just agrees with every name that has come up so far, bringing up an older movie from his childhood called Savannah Smiles.
THE CLOCK GAME. Name every celebrity crush they’ve had. To begin after they’ve figured out who Natalie Dormer is. Possible video to come on social media.
Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen are somehow the winners, henec their featured image spot above.
5:35-6:20 Mack asks Stew to remind him if he ever fucked Howie Mandel in the ’90s, or Olaf (from Zoolander, not Frozen).
9:35 Matt’s impersonation of Jeremy Irons in Dungeons and Dragons.
13:48-15:00 The guys describe their first “tonguey-kissy” makeouts–not with each other–and Matt reveals he has a Winnie Cooper tattoo.
27:52-28:55 “Culkin Original” vagina jokes.
33:00-36:06 Which fictional characters are the most attractive? Especially in the non-human and animated categories? How does Tifa compare to Lara Croft…or Disney’s Robin Hood fox?
42:49-44:05 If Matt is the star of his own TV show that is his life, where does everyone else fit in? What shows would it be like (coughCAREBEARScough)? And how does that hinder his dating life?
48:00-48:24 Speculation about what Matt says or does when he climaxes.
57:00-1:00:21 Matt’s top three celebrity crushes, and why it’s embarrassing to mention them when you live in Hollywood.
This is where Olaf shows up in Zoolander:
This is the Miranda sex scene from Mass Effect 2:
This is Jeremy Irons in Dungeons and Dragons:
There is no way we are embedding a scene for Good Luck Chuck, because it’s a movie where Dane Cook somehow ends up with Jessica Alba. The idea of the premise is that women who dump Chuck find their true love right after, and the poster was a hideous John and Yoko parody.
Savannah Smiles is a 1982 family film about a six year-old girl who runs away from home. In this context…ewwwwww.
This was, by far, the worst experience I’ve had writing about one of these episodes. Being the only Bunny Ears intern is a tough gig and I wish I was getting paid for it. Oh well. See you next week!
Image: Triumph Releasing