I Accidentally Recorded Myself Eating And Now I’m A Twitch Millionaire

March 4, 2019 by , featured in Health
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It was a day like any other. I started my typical morning ritual of flax seed puree topped with spirulina aminos syrup and one whole banana (unpeeled). I ate it while watching YouTube tutorials on the most graceful ways to position my hands. After an hour of hand practice, I got an unexpected call from my business manager: Apparently, by some freak accident, I had MORE money than usual. Not only that, but it was dropping into my account from a sad little channel called Twitch.

Now, I’d never heard of Twitch because I only get invited to things outside. But low and behold, I had accidentally set my laptop camera on record while I practiced my hands and ate my breakfast … and droves of internet men found themselves sexually aroused by my method of consuming high fiber finger foods with poise.

Here’s where it got interesting.

I decided to call off my other plans for the day (yoga and lotioning) and dive into this strange new world. For $20, a man named GlennMeister asked me to chew slowly. For $300, a fellow named AirborneDisease who only wrote in all caps specifically asked that I eat raw berries and let the juices drain onto my face. I obliged, even though I usually reserve raw vegan desserts for later in the day. The attention was both welcome and satisfying.

I was suddenly the highest paid streamer on Twitch for the day!

I previously had no idea what a “streamer” even was (besides a gauche party favor, of course). However, now I was determined to retain my place at the top as a bona fide Twitch millionaire — which meant taking out the other popular eaters one by one.

I started off casually—with death threats. Within days I had scared off countless teens and failed models. Soon enough word spread and most of the other eaters were too scared to post, too. I then tried to think strategically. Should I grow my brand? Maybe try eating weirder things? Perhaps film myself performing other mundane activities, like yelling at my children, or polishing my gazebos? Was there a market for that?

I finally realized that what I ultimately needed to do in order to become a Twitch millionaire and fully dominate the Twitch landscape was to take over Twitch itself. And while I can’t get into much detail (because what’s stopping you from doing the same?), suffice it to say it involved me sending Twitch execs videos of myself sensually eating butter-lathered photos of their moms.

And now here I am! Queen of Twitch! And don’t you damn well forget it.

Images: Unsplash, Pexels, Pexels

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