I Accidentally Recorded Myself Eating And Now I’m A Twitch Millionaire
It was a day like any other. I started my typical morning ritual of flax seed puree topped with spirulina aminos syrup and one whole banana (unpeeled). I ate it while watching YouTube tutorials on the most graceful ways to position my hands. After an hour of hand practice, I got an unexpected call from my business manager: Apparently, by some freak accident, I had MORE money than usual. Not only that, but it was dropping into my account from a sad little channel called Twitch.
Now, I’d never heard of Twitch because I only get invited to things outside. But low and behold, I had accidentally set my laptop camera on record while I practiced my hands and ate my breakfast … and droves of internet men found themselves sexually aroused by my method of consuming high fiber finger foods with poise.
Here’s where it got interesting.
I decided to call off my other plans for the day (yoga and lotioning) and dive into this strange new world. For $20, a man named GlennMeister asked me to chew slowly. For $300, a fellow named AirborneDisease who only wrote in all caps specifically asked that I eat raw berries and let the juices drain onto my face. I obliged, even though I usually reserve raw vegan desserts for later in the day. The attention was both welcome and satisfying.
I was suddenly the highest paid streamer on Twitch for the day!
I previously had no idea what a “streamer” even was (besides a gauche party favor, of course). However, now I was determined to retain my place at the top as a bona fide Twitch millionaire — which meant taking out the other popular eaters one by one.
I started off casually—with death threats. Within days I had scared off countless teens and failed models. Soon enough word spread and most of the other eaters were too scared to post, too. I then tried to think strategically. Should I grow my brand? Maybe try eating weirder things? Perhaps film myself performing other mundane activities, like yelling at my children, or polishing my gazebos? Was there a market for that?
I finally realized that what I ultimately needed to do in order to become a Twitch millionaire and fully dominate the Twitch landscape was to take over Twitch itself. And while I can’t get into much detail (because what’s stopping you from doing the same?), suffice it to say it involved me sending Twitch execs videos of myself sensually eating butter-lathered photos of their moms.
And now here I am! Queen of Twitch! And don’t you damn well forget it.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…