Vacation Guide: The Closet Of The Woman You’re Having An Affair With
You’re having an affair, and it looks like Robert came home early from that conference again. So grab on to your pants and belt—it’s closet time! And we’re here to tell you the highlights of this often-frequented destination.
1. The Hangers
We highly encourage taking the time to enjoy the areal views of the closet. Look up from the fetal position you’re currently curled up in from under that gingham jacket and take in the variety. There’s cloth-covered hangers for more delicate garments, those kinds with the clips for skirts and slacks, and—wow—even those tiered ones to help economize on space! You won’t be disappointed.
2. The Abyss of Shoes
Check out the loafers, the clogs, and ah, yes, the single slipper that doesn’t seem to have a partner (if that isn’t a metaphor for your life, we don’t know what is).
3. Jewelry Boxes
To the right you have the Leaning Tower of Jewelry Boxes, all of which undoubtedly hold trinkets of love that Robert bought the woman you’re currently smashing. Be sure to take in the detail and craftsmanship—Robert hand-carried many of these from Italy.
4. The High School Yearbooks
If you get bored/Robert is still on the other side of the door, do a little bit of light reading by flipping through the stack of yearbooks conveniently lying around. They’re sure to be an entertaining read. Pro tip: Use the faint glow of your cell phone as a flashlight. Just be sure the sound is off—otherwise it’ll be a pretty bad scene if you get a call.
5. The Laundry Basket
FYI you might have to take an impromptu detour here if Robert opens the closet door. Your affair can’t get out. It will ruin everything.
6. That Drawer That’s His That Should Be Yours
Love’s a giant bitch, and this tour of the closet will do nothing if not bring that home. Just be sure you brought some granola bars, because this might be another all-night destination.