Enjoy This Text-Only, Audio-Free ASMR Experience by Daniel O’Brien
Hello, my name is Daniel O’Brien. I am an author, comedian, and aspiring boat captain, and I work with Bunny Ears to make your life better.
ASMR, or Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response, refers to the tingly, relaxing sensation some people get from specific audio cues, like soft whispering or tapping. There are currently thousands of ASMR videos on YouTube, often tailored to specific audio “triggers.”
We here at Bunny Ears believe that everybody deserves to enjoy the benefits of audio-based stimulation, but we also know that the ASMR community at large consistently fails to meet the needs of those of us who happen to work in offices where you’re not allowed to watch videos. And that’s where we come in. We hope to cater to this hitherto ignored demographic and help you access ASMR at work. So please enjoy the following ASMR experience in textual form.
(Full Disclosure: I’ve never really ”gotten” the sensation people are supposed to get from these videos, but I’m a professional writer, so I have faith that I’ll be able to recreate it for you here in written form. Hopefully this will provide the same tingly experience of watching an ASMR video without getting you in trouble at work.)
[Note: Everything below should be heard in a whisper voice, but words in italics are extra whispery.]
Okay, you’re sitting in a chair and I’m very close to you and I’m talking in a very quiet voice. You can still hear me because, again, we’re very close, but yeah I’m whispering at you. I ask you questions about your day. “How’s your day going?” Things like that. I busy myself in the area around your head for a while and I just sort of let you hear me breathe, which you’re into for some reason, but in a strictly non-sexual way.
A lot of these videos have the speaker doing some kind of job that puts them in your personal space in a way that is intimate (but again, non-sexual). So like a haircut, or a dentist appointment. So now I’m still whispering, still super close by your head, but I’m also using scissors by your left ear and it’s making those snippy snippy “scissor noises.” I’m just a-rhythmically snipping around your left ear and cooing things like “Ooh, your hair is being cut. By me. Yum.” And other things like that.
I switch to the area around the right ear. If you were wearing headphones, this change would create an aural symmetry that you’d find very satisfying. Snip snip snip. Scissor noise, scissor noise, scissor noise.
I know that some of the people in these videos use rubber gloves, but I don’t actually know how they’re employed for the experience because I’ve never watched a full ASMR video (not my thing, seems weird and low-key shameful). So I don’t know how I’m supposed to use the rubber gloves, I just know that they’re part of it. So right now I’m just flapping them around your ears. Picture that sound—which, to you, is pleasing, because you’re, no judgment, strange—picture that sound happening now.
Flop flop flop. Flop flop flop. They’re flapping around your ears right now and there’s a moisture to it (you know how rubber gloves are always a little wet on the inside? That’s happening now, that’s part of the sound). Flappy, juicy gloves are warbling around your ears and you love it, it’s your favorite. Flop flop. Scissor noise, scissor noise, don’t forget about the scissors, from before. And I’m still saying nonsense like “Oooh, yes. Nice teeth. You’re a good boy.” Shit like that.
I don’t know if chopping carrots is one of the sounds that triggers this feeling, but IN MY OPINION it should be, so I’m chopping some carrots at your left ear. It’s the kind of hair salon that also makes, uh…stew, I guess? So you might hear me chopping carrots or onions or whispering at some beef broth or something. Don’t be alarmed.
Chopping carrots at your right ear.
Chopping carrots at like your lower chin.
Now I’m crinkling some papers. It sounds like I’m just rolling some loud-ass fucking wrapping paper right by your ears. I’m like, “Here I go, gotta wrap this package up.” You listen to it and you say it gives you “tingles” and you swear it’s not sexual but, like, who are we kidding here, buddy? It’s sexual and that’s fine, that’s your thing (not my thing).
Okay what else do they do in these stupid videos?
Oh, so Wikipedia says that another thing that triggers this sensation is “loudly chewing, crunching, slurping or biting foods, drinks or gum.” Pass. I just won’t do that. For the most part I’m fine if we both wink and pretend this isn’t sexual even though it definitely is, but I’m not gonna slurp you to a sound orgasm. That’s just not a thing I’m going to do.
How about I meet you halfway? At this part, I’m super close to your ear and I’m so close that you can like hear the spitty wetness of my mouth opening and closing. Like you know how in a silent room you can hear someone’s lips separating because there’s a build up of spit? You’re hearing that on me, because that’s how physically close we are. That’s the best I can do for you, man.
Alright then! That about wraps it up. You’re either super hard or super wet or, if we’re pretending this isn’t sexual, you’re super “tingly.” Sure, let’s call it that!