Bunny Ears Podcast 32: Sports (Annotated)
Hi, I’m Craig The Intern, and they make me transcribe these every week. Everything’s going great so far! Um, am I supposed to know anything about sports? Because I don’t. So I’m going to try to figure out this one as best I can.
Mack does his best Spanish-language soccer announcer impersonation to kick things off on the sports episode. There’s a weird half off-mic conversation about hamburgers, and what’s the deal with them not being made of ham? Then we’re back to jokes about shuttlecocks and Dick Butkus, and Matt’s mom’s neighbor Richard.
They talk some smack on BE editor Shawn DePasquale for vetoing a sports episode before, and mock his lack of knowledge of the rules of football. Matt grew up loving sports…until he got high. He was a big Green Bay Packers fan and still has some memorabilia. “I bled green and gold or whatever.” He has a game-worn Brett Favre jersey in his laundry room. He played football for three years in school, and their team never scored a point.
Mack grew up a big basketball fan, going to Knicks games, sitting courtside a a lot thanks to his celebrity at age 12. He recalls one game where he was sitting in front of Adam Sandler, and they randomly started trading useless items. Matt recalls getting crazy amounts of autographs at a game at age 9, from the likes of Jaleel White and Vivica A. Fox. They wonder whatever happened to Jesse Camp.
They talk about hockey next, and the one time Matt’s five year-old brother spilled all his crayons into the actual dugout. Matt tries to name as many New York Knicks players as he can remember. Mack knows more. Mack is the only person in his family who is a basketball fan, and he also likes Giants football. Matt has only been to one NFL game in his life and he found it terrifying.
Mack extols the ’96 New York Yankees. Matt likes that baseball is boring, and that watching the game is only part of the overall experience, and an optional one at that. Especially in Japan. Both Mack and Matt discuss the shenanigans they get up to in the upper deck when the stadium’s nearly empty. You’ll never guess which one fools around with dates, and which one smokes weed. Never, I say!
Mack describes attending soccer in England. Matt says sports are like WWE and Phish—always better live. They talk WWE a bit, and then discuss the anecdote from Comic-Con where a fan told Jamie Lee Curtis how she inspired him to defend himself from a potential home invasion. Is running from masked killers a sport? Matt and Mack only watch running when it’s at the Olympics, and they think Usain Bolt is cool. They think that of all Jamaicans, in fact.
Matt wonders what Olympians do after the Olympics. Mack knows a little bit, having met the US curling team. They still compete but have day jobs too. They wonder what sports you can make a living from: golf? Archery?
We totally digress to talk about a documentary on women who fall in love with inanimate objects like the Eiffel Tower. One of them was an Olympic-level archer who was in love with her bow. Another is in love with an Arabian Nights-themed carousel called 1001 Nachts. I think Matt is acknowledging that sports alone is not enough as a topic, which is a point for Shawn. And now Matt’s talking about a documentary on men who have sex with their cars. Does this all mean that great athletes aren’t just talented, but have a deeper connection with their gear? Maybe. You do have to have a physique—Mack knows he has never had one for pro sports. He suspects some athletes grow to loathe what you do; Matt wonders if that happened to Mack with acting. Do you lose your love for the thing you do as a job?
What’s the best sports movie ever made? Lots of comedies thrown out: Kingpin, Caddyshack, Space Jam. Slap Shot is deemed too Canadian. They love The Air up There. Airplane! does not count. What sports have not gotten movies? There has been a lacrosse movie starring Brandon Routh. [Has there been a curling movie?] Ladybugs is singled out as a really problematic film in retrospect. We all agree Creed is a great one. Both Mack and Matt are boxing fans, and we talk boxing for a bit, but neither is paying much attention to it now. Sugar Ray Leonard used to be Matt’s babysitter.
UFC? Mack is a recent convert, and Ronda Rousey was Matt’s gateway. They laugh at CM Punk, and talk about Brock Lesnar a bit. Is poker a sport? It’s on ESPN, but if that’s a sport that requires no athletics, where is the line? Mack says physicality matters. They debate a bunch of other borderline sports, including Hackey Sack and Ultimate Frisbee. Hungry Hungry Hippos might be borderline. Mack is annoyed by scoring systems, because in something like a race you objectively know who’s best. Pro-wrestling, no. Beanbag toss, probably yes.
They talk a bit about the great Jewish basketball players, and the decent white players. Then we get into teams that move and now have incongruous mascots like the Jazz and the Hornets.
Matt wishes other sports had something like the Harlem Globetrotters, and Mack volunteers to be part of the new Washington Generals. Parental-induced insecurity comes up, and Mack is still confident in his HORSE abilities. Do 80% of NBA players smoke pot before the big games? Maybe.
Sports controversies are up next. Michael Vick and dogfighting, and Ray Rice and spousal assault come up. Naturally our hosts are against these things. Then Pete Rose and gambling. Maybe if he’d have admitted betting against his team right away and not been a dick, Matt and Mack would be more forgiving. Then we talk about baseball steroids. Jose Canseco gets our hosts’ approval on this one, but the Hall of Fame has blocked them.
They wrap up by wondering how gladiatorial sports are, and if it’s okay that it’s often a lot of old white guys cheering on young black athletes. Is it problematic? Is it a big change from previous centuries? Our hosts decide there were always games, and Bunny Ears should start a football league.
2:00 Matt’s mom knows a guy with a funny name
6:20 Mack’s lawyer takes him to a Knick game after he has dyed his hair pink, and Adam Sandler messes with him.
13:10 Matt describes baseball beer service in Japan
20:25 Matt’s description of the documentary Married to the Eiffel Tower is gold.
46:10 Matt talks about his football POGs
48:30 Matt talks about shooting hoops on acid
-Dick Butkus is not a made-up name:
-Here’s the Ray Rice domestic violence video [trigger warning, for real]:
-It’s okay, Jesse Camp is no longer missing.
-Here’s Pete Rose getting beaten up by WWE’s Kane:
-Here is the full Married to the Eiffel Tower documentary:
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Image: 20th Century Fox