Hi, I’m Craig The Intern, and they make me transcribe these every week. Everything’s going great so far! I mean, I have lots of questions, like when do I get paid, or get to sleep, or go home, or take a bathroom break by myself…but I’m sure they’ll be answered one day. Meanwhile, the guys are going to answer more important questions from you.
Mack is eating Fritos for the first time in a while, and he loves them. Matt can hear his throat moving. It’s Halloween-ish, so David Pumpkins comes up (they both like the skit; Matt’s meh on the animated special that Mack hasn’t seen). They speculate about other flavors of Fritos, which do exist but they’re not clear which ones.
Unfiltered questions from Twitter are coming, and the first one is favorite pasta recipe. Mack likes shrimp scampi with vermouth. Matt remembers trying to get drunk off his parents’ liquor-filled chocolates, and they never really worked. Pasta makes you gain weight, though, and Mack wants to embrace the pot-belly only when he’s 50 or so. Matt worries his dad’s in better shape than he is.
Best live concert experiences: Mack says White Stripes and the Strokes. Matt says Phish, because drugs. A listener offers jiujitsu lessons so Mack can fight Devon Sawa someday. Mack says he’s a classically trained ballet dancer so he could totally do capoiera. Matt once quit a karate class after two sessions.
Next question is how to keep your official Bunny Ears on during sex, and how to clean them afterward. Mack suggests tightening, but that could give you a headache; maybe put a headband on around the ears, or just have a second pair. Hand wash with dish soap.
Mack would totally play a dad in a Home Alone reboot, and wants Ryan Reynolds to call him about his pothead parody Stoned Alone. However, he did always hope it would turn into a horror franchise one day. Turns out he’s also a fan of the Loch Ness Monster, but particularly dislikes Mothman. Matt likes the Jersey Devil because of its origin story as a monster baby.
If you could swap lives with someone for three days, who would you be? Mack says since the question doesn’t specify non-fictional, he’d be Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell. Even if he’s only allowed to be PG-intimate with Kelly Kapowski, per the rules of the TV show. He also has the power to freeze time and know he’s entertaining. (Jeez, you guys should know you’re entertaining! Except when you lock me in the building overnight, but even then I can make my own fun sometimes.) Matt wants to be Donald Trump so he can change the world for good.
Then they talk about woodchucks chucking, celebrities answering prom date requests, mammals you can knock out with one punch, and whether they’ll ever do a podcast meet and greet.
Would you rather masturbate in front of your grandma, or let homeless people have sex in your bed before you go to sleep at night for a year? Can I do both? Mack picks the homeless option. Matt picks grandma, because she’s dead.
Big revelation: no listeners have ever sent in pics of sucking dicks. (Mine were ruled ineligible, just so all of you know.)
Mack describes people who make Home Alone references to try to get his goat as savages with no civilization, but he has a thick skin for it. Then he starts talking about his pets, and Matt tells a sad story about ten goldfish. This turns into a discussion of how many Macks it would take to fight a silverback gorilla, plus pajama pants.
Did we all know Davenport, Iowa was the home of sliced bread? Mmmmm, white bread…
There’s a pho versus ramen debate, remembrances of malls past, and Mack’s memory of a guy on a production who tried to get fired so he’d get paid, while the director and producers tried to get them to quit. He doesn’t name names. Then we find out he has no driver’s license.
Dream podcast guest? Maybe Benjamin Franklin.
Final question: what are the best and worst things about the podcast? The bratwurst on the table is the WURST, get it? At least they didn’t say me.
Next week: Is this show ending? Tune in and find out why the answer is yes AND no.
9:00 Mack wants his Strokes T-shirt back from his ex.
11:20 How the Mack-Sawa “feud” has entered its social media phase in a big way
16:30 Matt’s pitch for a new, darker Home Alone
33:20 Conditions under which Mack would fight a wolf
-Here’s the GoFundMe for Devon Sawa.
-And yes, FarmersOnly.com is a legit dating site for farmers.
-Davenport, Iowa, is part of the quad cities region. Here you can find some fun facts about that.
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