‘Cats’ Promotes Unrealistic Expectations Of Cats, By Me, A Cat

Hi, my name is Federico Feliney, and I’m a cat against Cats. I mean have you seen the trailer for this shit? No, not the weird CGI that everyone else is complaining about. My problem is the dancing. Cats singing, dancing, leaping around like they’re in a professional ballet. It’s enough to make me puke up the grass I just ate (knowing full well that will happen inevitably anyway). Bottom line, the Cats trailer promotes completely unrealistic expectations for cats.

We cats have been fighting media stereotypes for decades. From Cinderella to Catwoman, we’ve been portrayed as cunning, evil, and frankly, in far better shape than we could ever hope to be. This is just the last straw. I sleep 18 hours a day, man. It’s insane to expect me to be fit enough to do anything more taxing than jumping on top of the refrigerator. I’ve never even seen a pair of tap shoes, and if I did, I’d probably try to eat them.

That’s what I do. I’m a fat, lazy dumbass. I don’t even respond to my own name. You think I can memorize choreography, let alone convey a range of complex emotional reactions? My human had to start keeping her hair ties in a drawer because I kept swiping them off the bathroom shelf to play with them even though I’ve never not snapped myself in the face. I’m a moron.

I’m seriously afraid of what this movie will do to the cat owners of the world. They’re gonna start expecting us to have Broadway-caliber skills, and that’s a big problem, because we rely on them for treats. I’ve already reached the end of my rope with the baby talk. If you start making me pirouette for treats … well, I’m gonna have to just deal with it, because I’m an idiot cat. I just expect better from you people.

If you liked this, you’ll probably ALSO enjoy How To Decide Which Cat Is Inheriting Your Fortune.

Image: Pexels/Universal Pictures