Compliments I Imagine You’ll Receive About This Fleshlight That’s Cleverly Disguised As A Gold Necklace

As a man, I believe it’s unfair for any woman to have fun that I cannot partake in myself. That’s why I’m the reason all the local bars that offer “ladies nights” must now also offer “men’s nights” that I personally do not attend out of fear of those who do, which only proves my point: Gendered fun is no fun at all. So you can imagine my anger when I discovered that famous health and lifestyle brand Goop sells in its online store a vibrator for female pleasure that is cleverly disguised as a 24-karat gold necklace.

I did some tai chi and deep breathing exercises to rediscover my spiritual center, then popped a Klonopin when they failed. Glowing with a mellow chemical relief, I realized there’s plenty of room in the market for two covert sex toys for the fashionably wealthy. So, not to be outdone, I present to you a similar sex-positive product with fellas in mind. It’s a discreet 24-karat gold Fleshlight masquerading as a necklace that I personally wear and fuck daily. Now, you can, too!

I could give you a list of reasons why you should buy my Fleshlight that’s cleverly disguised as a gold necklace. For starters, it’s very fashionable, it goes with everything, and you can fuck it. But the best reason of all are the compliments I imagine you’ll receive, such as:

“That necklace is so discreet, I wouldn’t have known it was a Fleshlight if you had jerked me off with it.”

“Did you just come from or are going to some kind of ball or gala?”

“Wow! That is definitely a beautiful 24-karat gold necklace and not a male masturbation aid!”

“I love it when the strong wind that blows through the large hole in your necklace sounds like the haunting howl of a distant train.”

“It really brings out your eyes.”

“It’s such a good idea that I’d be willing to buy it for 17 times its production cost, and I bet many others would, too.”

If you’re ready to be buried under a pile of these compliments and many more, hop on over to our shop and pick up a chic secret fuckhole for yourself so you can Masturbate Wherever, Whenever, In Style (trademark pending).

Image: Goop