How To Talk To Your Teens About The Dangers Of James Woods 

December 17, 2019 by , featured in Parenting
Share this on
  • 281
    Shares

It’s the conversation every parent dreads. How do you make your kids feel safe without downplaying the fact that James Woods exists? Because the Scary Movie 2 star doesn’t care how comfortable you are talking to your teens. He just cares that they’re marginally attractive and open to a little light reading on Breitbart. Remember, if this septuagenarian celeb isn’t hitting on them, he’s trying to red pill them, sometimes in one fell swoop. So if you’re in need of a conversation cheat sheet, these simple steps are sure to help when the 70-something star comes calling. 

1. Think about How Your Parents Talked To You about Him

I remember when my own parents sat me down and told me their tales of James Woods—just like their parents had done. Some say the legend of a washed-up character actor who haunts the countryside/Westfield Culver City Mall dates back to the old world. Don’t go out past dark, they’d say, or the third-billed star of The Specialist will hit on you at a McDonald’s. 

2. Remind Them He’s Always Lurking/Chewing Nicorette Nearby

It doesn’t matter if you’re in a library, a Mel’s Diner, or just waiting for an Uber. Always remember that James Woods is there, skimming Twitter as he waits for the perfect moment to mention that he was in Nixon, and could fly you and your cute friend to Vegas. “You can even bring your homework,” he’ll say as he signs an autograph for no one. 

3. Never Say His Name Three Times in a Row or Near a High School

Naming a thing gives it power, so keep your lips sealed when it comes to the words James and Woods. Whether you say his name while staring into a magic mirror or near the door to a girls’ locker room, he’s sure to appear. Actually, he’ll probably show up either way when it comes to the latter. 

4. His One True Weakness is Everything about Him

Every monster has a weakness, and James Woods is no different. But his Achilles’ heel isn’t a dragon’s soft underside, or a clove of garlic. It’s just every single thing about him. If your kids can exploit this one weakness—which is just, like, being him, and having to go through day after day thinking like him and living life like he lives it—they might be able to get away. 

And Remember: You Gave This Monster His Power

As much as it pains us to admit it, this is all your fault. You saw Straight Talk in theaters. IN THEATERS, you fool! You knew Ron Silver would have been just as good for the part, but you had to see it. By the time Casino came out, you even had a few conversations about what an underrated actor he was. Sure, you read the occasional homophobic joke and QAnon conspiracy theory he tweeted, but you still followed him out of some sort of sick sense of social media schadenfreude. Now look what you’ve created. In the end, perhaps you were the monster all along.

Images: Pexels/Columbia Pictures


Share this on
  • 281
    Shares

Join the Conversation

  1. Avatar
  2. Avatar
  3. Avatar
  4. Avatar
  5. Brian Steele
  6. Avatar

19 Comments

  1. James Woods in NOT a problem. Telling the TRUTH never was…however, I Do see a lot WRONG with your site. This Is NOT something children should be seeing and sure as heck NOT copying. But then, being raised in Hollywood, you wouldn’t know that, would you? How disturbingly SAD>

  2. So very glad to have found this site. My parents never warned me about this. I’ll be sure to pass this very important warning on to my kids. As a parent I want to be a better parent then mine were.

  3. Im an adult who loves James wood..never experienced anything vile about him…so what’s the negative vibe about this brilliant guy..dish it to me now..humm

  4. That’s the problem with folks in “Jollywood”, they always state things in cinema language, not reality. So sad these idiots still live in their movie land. At least James Woods tells it like it is.

  5. James Woods is not the problem. Opinions, judgments and liars that write and publish smack are the true evil. Beware of bunnyears.

  6. Only problem with James Woods is that he said Republican and Hollywood doesn’t like it! Liberals are nothing but POS. I adore James Woods they agree with his political point of view so put that in your pipe and smoke it you idiots he’s one of the greatest actors to come out of Hollywood!!!

  7. Thank you, that was comedy gold, used to be a fan Mr Woods and still love The Hard Way. Shame he turned out to be a ghoul but he probably was one all along. I’d say he doesn’t really deserve to have such clever jokes bestowed on him.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

How To Blame Santa For The Dicks You Drew On Your Kids’ Faces


My New Year’s Resolution Is To Shove My Son Back Up In There


Poop Edging: A Dangerous New Sex Trend


How To Talk To Your Teens About The Dangers Of James Woods 


Cool Shit You Can Buy Instead Of Sending Your Dumb Kids To College!


Cool Stuff to Buy

Stalk Us

logo
Home Lifestyle Pop Culture Wrestling Podcasts Videos About Us