How To Talk To Your Teens About The Dangers Of James Woods 

It’s the conversation every parent dreads. How do you make your kids feel safe without downplaying the fact that James Woods exists? Because the Scary Movie 2 star doesn’t care how comfortable you are talking to your teens. He just cares that they’re marginally attractive and open to a little light reading on Breitbart. Remember, if this septuagenarian celeb isn’t hitting on them, he’s trying to red pill them, sometimes in one fell swoop. So if you’re in need of a conversation cheat sheet, these simple steps are sure to help when the 70-something star comes calling. 

1. Think about How Your Parents Talked To You about Him

I remember when my own parents sat me down and told me their tales of James Woods—just like their parents had done. Some say the legend of a washed-up character actor who haunts the countryside/Westfield Culver City Mall dates back to the old world. Don’t go out past dark, they’d say, or the third-billed star of The Specialist will hit on you at a McDonald’s. 

2. Remind Them He’s Always Lurking/Chewing Nicorette Nearby

It doesn’t matter if you’re in a library, a Mel’s Diner, or just waiting for an Uber. Always remember that James Woods is there, skimming Twitter as he waits for the perfect moment to mention that he was in Nixon, and could fly you and your cute friend to Vegas. “You can even bring your homework,” he’ll say as he signs an autograph for no one. 

3. Never Say His Name Three Times in a Row or Near a High School

Naming a thing gives it power, so keep your lips sealed when it comes to the words James and Woods. Whether you say his name while staring into a magic mirror or near the door to a girls’ locker room, he’s sure to appear. Actually, he’ll probably show up either way when it comes to the latter. 

4. His One True Weakness is Everything about Him

Every monster has a weakness, and James Woods is no different. But his Achilles’ heel isn’t a dragon’s soft underside, or a clove of garlic. It’s just every single thing about him. If your kids can exploit this one weakness—which is just, like, being him, and having to go through day after day thinking like him and living life like he lives it—they might be able to get away. 

And Remember: You Gave This Monster His Power

As much as it pains us to admit it, this is all your fault. You saw Straight Talk in theaters. IN THEATERS, you fool! You knew Ron Silver would have been just as good for the part, but you had to see it. By the time Casino came out, you even had a few conversations about what an underrated actor he was. Sure, you read the occasional homophobic joke and QAnon conspiracy theory he tweeted, but you still followed him out of some sort of sick sense of social media schadenfreude. Now look what you’ve created. In the end, perhaps you were the monster all along.

Images: Pexels/Columbia Pictures