How To Navigate Your First Date To the Bedroom By Bringing Up Your Dead Friend
First dates are hard to navigate. When you step out of your uber into the unknown of a first date, your greatest hope is the chemistry will be electric and things heat up, like the curling iron you can’t remember if you turned off or not.
Once you two lock eyes, you immediately feel a pull like your heart is on one of those awkward airport moving catwalks. What do you do? How can you let your date know (without being too forward) that you want to take this thing straight to your bedroom?
Bring up your dead friend.
Here are subtle ways to slip in your friends death that will be sure to let your date know you’re DTF.
After the nice nothings of introductions, you’ll inevitably need to wait for your table to be cleared. Once it’s ready, you’ll finally seated. Ready to order your drinks? This first step is like a verbal ‘test balloon’. It won’t give away everything, but it will hint at the direction you’re about to take the conversation. When the server asks what you’d like to drink, respond with, “Water… Ice cold. Like my dead friends toes.” Do not address what you said to the server or your date. That’ll keep the spontaneity and mystery lush in the air.
Next, the appetizers arrive. Mozzarella sticks! Wow, I didn’t know we were dealing with an Italiano Stalliono. When the next lull in the conversation hits, take a break from playing culinary jump rope with a piece of rubber cheese to say, “These appys are great, my dead friend Lawrence loved ‘appys’ too. She called them that, ‘appys’.” Gently touch his ankle with your foot under the table as you say this. Oh man, he’ll get so horned up.
Time for the main course. When your fajitas arrive. Tell your favorite joke, you know the one you usually tell at parties about the chicken and the road thing, it’ll kill. After it does, allow about 10-15 seconds of dead air to accumulate post laugh. Then look your date deep into the eyes and say, “Gosh, Lawrence loved that joke. Lawrence is my dead friend. Where her body is we don’t know.”
Quickly change subjects to how spicy, BUT GOOD the meal is and ask you date how they got into marketing, it’s always great to engage your date about their life.
When dessert comes, seal the deal and send this date straight to the ‘bang palace’ AKA your apartment. In a very flirtatious way, move to the same side of the table as your date. Lean in and get cozy – turn up the giggle, baby! Then, pull out your phone and open the album titled “Photos of Lawrence, RIP.” Open the album and begin telling very long-winded stories about where each photo was taken and how you guys even got yourself into that silly situation.
There you have it. A comprehensive list of how simple gestures of bringing up someone dead you knew personally can take your date to the next level by increasing potential kismet skin contact. I hope this enhances your life, which is something my friend Lawrence doesn’t have anymore. RIP.