From The Desk Of Macaulay Culkin – 1: March Madness

March 20, 2018 by
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Hello friends. Mack here. As I take a break from recording my world music album and using the medium of macaroni pictures to recreate the classic works of the Renaissance painters, it occurs to me that it is once again time to reach back out to you, the fans. (Although I prefer to think of you as family, for what is family if not a source of unyielding support in the form of wealth and adoration?) And let me tell you, the mail has piled up since last time! I can barely see the $10,000 surface of my obsidian desk. After reading at least two of them, I can tell that the question on everyone’s mind is, “Mack, what are your picks for March Madness?

As you know, March Madness is the time of year when the world is gripped by a feral insanity and people start challenging each other to impromptu basketball games. I myself haven’t been involved in basketball since I lost the lead role in Like Mike to Lil’ Bow Wow (some crap about me being too old for the part), but I do enjoy watching March Madness to see who will come out on top. Anyway, I’ve decided to share my bracket with you, my family, and hopefully help you win some money with my insight.

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march madness
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I think my brother Rory will be a strong showing in the early rounds, especially if he is competing as his character from Scream 4. He’s going to run into stiff competition from Toejam and Earl, as well as from Gremlins (the film) and Gremlins (the creatures), who I think will be dark horses. Devon Sawa and Dr. Seth Green are both great competitors, but I suspect they’ll eliminate each other early on, which is a shame, because I would love to see a rematch between Sawa and The Little Giants. The last scene from The Neverending Story hasn’t been performing as well as it did in previous years, but my advice to you is don’t count it out! Of course, if you want to hedge your bets, I’d put a safe amount on Getting Even With Dad, the film, in which I grew my hair out to revenge myself upon Ted Danson. I mean, I was 14 years old in that movie, and my character was like ten? Eleven? See, I can play younger, Like Mike. Mack is a chameleon.

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There’s a lot of picks on my bracket, I know, but I take great pride in putting it together every March, and I couldn’t be happier to share it with you guys. One last bit of advice – I know it’s going to be tempting to bet the farm on The Technodrome, and yes, a subterranean base of power is a pretty academic choice as far as who is going to win a basketball tournament. But the Technodrome has spent the last several months recovering from a knee injury, and I wouldn’t be surprised if a sudden flare-up takes the ‘drome out of the running. Take that money you were planning to put on the Technodrome and bet it on Popeye instead. You won’t be disappointed.

Your friend,
Mack

Dictated into my Apple Watch while tunneling to the center of the Earth. Transcribed with painstaking precision by Tom Reimann.


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20 Comments

  1. Uncle Mack,

    I’m thrilled to learn that you think of me as family. When I first watched Home Alone, I wished you were my cousin little brother, only so I could beat on you and shit though. I thought you were an annoying, pretentiousness, girly little dweeb. To be fair, I thought that about everyone except Kiedis, The Hulkster and Arne (Although I think Kindergarten Cop changed that the same year).

    Now, even though I’m a bit older than you I’ve decided you can be my Uncle. I’m thinking when I’m pissed off with adulting (and who isn’t right?), I can Kik you, get you to send your G5 over to pick me up and we can hang out at the Home Alone house in Chicago, which I’m sure you must have purchased as a momento of those halcyon days. I know we haven’t met face to face yet and had that monumental first hug that gets closer and tighter as our breathing syncs, but I miss you so much already.

    Your loving nephew,

    D

    Ps please make some more YouTube videos

  2. Young Jodie Foster, 5’3″ v. Devon Sawa, 6’0″ (I’m calling bullshit on that one.) in the Final. Sawa will own the paint and pull down boards but Young Foster’s Deadshot precision behind the arc and superior ball-handling skills will put her over the top. I’ve got Foster by at least 6 pts.

  3. Excited what you have in store for us. You’re awesome Mack. Honored that you consider your fans as family, that makes me love you even more 💜

  4. Hi Mack,
    Thank you for sharing your talent with all of us. I was introduced to your website and podcast by my daughter .
    She was looking for something to help me past time during my treatment at the hospital. I’ve been getting pre-cancer chemo
    for the past few years “4x cancer survivor”. Truthfully I only went along with it because she loves you so much and is your #1 fan.
    I didn’t expect to enjoy it so much . Your website is brilliant. The articles are so unexpected. It’s easy to follow. It’s silly but not. It’s serious but not.
    It’s very entertaining. Your podcast is just like the website. I never know what to expect . Thank you for helping get through my time at the hospital a lot faster.
    Thank you for being apart of my journey.

    1. Thank you for reading! We are happy to provide you with some much needed entertainment while you fight your way through these difficult times. We’re all in your corner over here at BE HQ! Thanks for reaching out and please stay in touch.

      Shawn D
      Editor-In-Chief

  5. Saw your interviews and thank you for this website. This is something I would definitely support (and enjoy). Keep being awesome!

  6. call me old school…. but is there a way to contact you that isn’t broadcast on the internet with social media? I’ve disbanded my social presence on the internet and was looking to send you an email.. is that dumb?

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