From The Desk Of Macaulay Culkin – 1: March Madness
Hello friends. Mack here. As I take a break from recording my world music album and using the medium of macaroni pictures to recreate the classic works of the Renaissance painters, it occurs to me that it is once again time to reach back out to you, the fans. (Although I prefer to think of you as family, for what is family if not a source of unyielding support in the form of wealth and adoration?) And let me tell you, the mail has piled up since last time! I can barely see the $10,000 surface of my obsidian desk. After reading at least two of them, I can tell that the question on everyone’s mind is, “Mack, what are your picks for March Madness?”
As you know, March Madness is the time of year when the world is gripped by a feral insanity and people start challenging each other to impromptu basketball games. I myself haven’t been involved in basketball since I lost the lead role in Like Mike to Lil’ Bow Wow (some crap about me being too old for the part), but I do enjoy watching March Madness to see who will come out on top. Anyway, I’ve decided to share my bracket with you, my family, and hopefully help you win some money with my insight.
I think my brother Rory will be a strong showing in the early rounds, especially if he is competing as his character from Scream 4. He’s going to run into stiff competition from Toejam and Earl, as well as from Gremlins (the film) and Gremlins (the creatures), who I think will be dark horses. Devon Sawa and Dr. Seth Green are both great competitors, but I suspect they’ll eliminate each other early on, which is a shame, because I would love to see a rematch between Sawa and The Little Giants. The last scene from The Neverending Story hasn’t been performing as well as it did in previous years, but my advice to you is don’t count it out! Of course, if you want to hedge your bets, I’d put a safe amount on Getting Even With Dad, the film, in which I grew my hair out to revenge myself upon Ted Danson. I mean, I was 14 years old in that movie, and my character was like ten? Eleven? See, I can play younger, Like Mike. Mack is a chameleon.
There’s a lot of picks on my bracket, I know, but I take great pride in putting it together every March, and I couldn’t be happier to share it with you guys. One last bit of advice – I know it’s going to be tempting to bet the farm on The Technodrome, and yes, a subterranean base of power is a pretty academic choice as far as who is going to win a basketball tournament. But the Technodrome has spent the last several months recovering from a knee injury, and I wouldn’t be surprised if a sudden flare-up takes the ‘drome out of the running. Take that money you were planning to put on the Technodrome and bet it on Popeye instead. You won’t be disappointed.
Dictated into my Apple Watch while tunneling to the center of the Earth. Transcribed with painstaking precision by Tom Reimann.
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