Mark Henry Comes Out As Sapiosexual Chocolate
Pro wrestler (whose state of retirement we don’t dare question for fear of being attacked and reminded that he’s still got a lot more in the tank) Mark Henry has shocked the industry by coming out as Sapiosexual Chocolate.
“I’m the World’s Strongest Man, and I’m primarily attracted to the World’s Smartest People. I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. Fans always questioned my romance with Mae Young and wondered what I saw in her. Well, many of you may not know this, but she was Mensa-level smart. When I learned that, it made me want to smash. Hard.”
The World’s Largest Brain Boner
“I don’t mean to sound close-minded. Especially when my mind is so vastly superior to all you simpletons. But I couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable when a man strong enough to tow a cement truck would smell my scalp and gently whisper that he wanted to ‘savor the moment’,” said Damien Sandow.
“I should have known then by the way he used his nouns / That sooner or later he’d asked if I would escort him to Pound Town,” Lanny Poffo rhymed.
Meanwhile, Matt Striker chimed in with, “I’m not surprised. He loves classic literature. Getting all up in his mind was the quickest way to ensure Mark would want to get all up in your guts.” (Causing a deluge of internet critics to groan and wonder how he’s still allowed to do commentary).
Henry himself is quick to point out that this admission doesn’t change who he is. “I’m all about that big, juicy brain,” he concluded. “And I’m not afraid to say it anymore.”