Nintendo Announces New ‘Wario’s Brothel’ Haunt At Universal Studios
It’s officially spooky season, and we can’t wait to check out all the new Halloween thrills and chills at our favorite theme parks. So we were stoked when we heard that Nintendo was partnering with Universal Studios to bring us the Wario’s Haunted Brothel Haunt. We were even able to score a sneak peek of the experience! Read on for our official review of Shigeru Miyamoto’s lube-soaked nightmare!
It’s Fun for the Whole Family!
Unless you’re one of those hip HBO families, your kids may not be interested in witnessing whimsical orgies quite yet. However, they most definitely love branded content and will be hyped to see all of their favorite characters from Mario Kart in real life, regardless of the fluids that are spilling out of them.
Our 12-year-old daughter, Finch, wasn’t really into the logistical mechanics of Waluigi’s 69 Experience (a section of the maze that looks exactly like what you would think), but she was happy to see her favorite antihero having a good time. The other kids in our group were also thrilled by The Realm of Infamous Powerbottom, Monty Mole, because what’s cuter than a sturdy lil’ mischief-making rodent?
Keep in mind: Wario’s Brothel is mostly a PG-13 experience, but you may want to encourage your children to avoid some of the attractions, because …
Several Are Only Intended “For Daddies”
There are large chunks of Wario’s Brothel that are clearly only meant for dangerously horny adults. Attractions like Princess Peach’s Hentai Safari and Dr. Mario’s Malpractice Suit: Origins are absolutely not geared towards younger guests. Luckily, Universal provides an alternate route through these sections of the maze for those who do not wish to see obscenely graphic plumber-pounding. Your young ones will be spooked by some playful ghosts while mommy and daddy get “scared stiff” in the corridor next door.
Full disclosure: We were hesitant to take Finch into a section of Wario’s Brothel entitled Wendy O. Koopa’s Step-Sister Fantasy Foyer, but we decided it would be empowering for her to see that women can be Koopa Kids, too. What transpired was a whole lot of upsetting (but scary!) turtle sex and a very honest conversation with Finch about the recent increase in popularity of incest porn. Which brings us to what is arguably the best thing about Wario’s Brothel ...
It’s Educational as Fuck
Wario’s Brothel has a ton to teach you about the world of sex positivity. When we signed our initial consent waiver before the tour, we noticed that the details in the paperwork went far beyond corporate liability. The waiver included important phrases, like, “No means no,” “I’m not into that, but no judgements here,” and, “Actually, I’m just here to watch” (the last of which came in handy quite a bit during a part of the maze entitled Luigi’s Extended-Stay Cuck Motel). They even encourage guests to write down their own safe words at the bottom of the waiver for future reference (ours was “collywobble.”)
Finch learned a lot at Wario’s Brothel. She certainly understood that love exists between all genders after experiencing the Smash Bros room, but her favorite moment was a little seminar referred to as “Talkin’ 2 Tweenz In Toadette’s Kink Dungeon.”
All in all, we highly recommend the Wario’s Haunted Brothel Haunt at Universal Studios. Just be sure to bring hand sanitizer—you’ll be glad you did.